Just in case I’m not on any hit lists yet (like the Russian mob or maybe Nigerian mafia), here’s a little sampling of the other work I’ve been doing in my free time:
FROM DR WAHEED AKA
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA.(BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU/BURKINA FASO.
WEST AFRICA.
("REMITTANCE OF $25.8 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS (CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE")
I am Dr Waheed Aka from burkina faso. I want to seek your assistance after my discovery during auditing in my bank as am the manager of Bill and
Exchange at the Foriegn Remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA,(B.O.A.). In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of USD$25.8million US dollars in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in plane Crash 2003. It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided as the head of my department to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed bills.
You should not nurse any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the smooth transfer of this funds and your acceptance is what will crown this effort. We will conclude this operation within 21 banking days based on the amount of coperation you will contribute. The fund will be shared in the ratio of 40% will be for you as a forign partner, 60% will be for me. Thank you for your understanding as i await your urgent response to enable me give you more details don't forget to give me those informations below to enable me know you very well before we can go ahead in this business/project.
Your International passport or ID card.......
Your private telephone number................
Your profession................................
Your age.....................................
Your country..................................... Your's faithfully
Dr Waheed Aka 00226-76 36 30 68
REPLY ME THROUGH waheedaka1958@gmail.com
FROM DR. AWKWARD
AWAY IN A MANGER
BANK OF BOB (BOB)
OINGO BOINGO WAS A ONE HIT WONDER IN THE 80'S, BURGER FACE
UNTIED STATES
("WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS?") I BETTER CHANGE THAT SO YOU DON'T THINK I'M BEING SERIOUS)
Dear Dr. Weed Whacker,
I am Dr. Awkward, otherwise known as a palindrome, from the United States. Delta Burke is not a fatso!
Do not worry, palindromes are not contagious, there is a vaccine you can get for it. However, you must act with the utmost urgency and ambulance. I have not dieded, though I do like Dido, she has a good voice. I have a BOA constrictor ready for your remittance. It will strangle you so I get all of the $25 million USED DOLLARS. The BOA constrictor was de-cased from its caging and should be arriving to you in a box shortly. Your bowels will disburse upon deceasement, so I will claim all of the unmarked bills. Please do not mark the bills in any way, shape or form, otherwise I cannot claim them.
I am not nursing, although I am male, it is physically impossible. However, I do receive mail every day, except Sunday. Please inform your secretary to notify me when the BOA constrictor has done it's job and I can claim my 25 Gazillion dollars. I don't really listen to country music much, but I do like "Faithfully".
Your aging professional telephone,
Dr. Awkward
Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Gynecologist & The Midget Crackhead, Part I
I know I've been using the woman's name in the title lately, but I just couldn't think of anything funny with Kristina to turn into a title. So, I just thought, what's the funniest thing I can do in this situation? Find a way to describe the potential couple that would make them sound like quite the odd couple. I think I succeeded, what do you guys think?
Hello, I just check my email and I am glad to see your response,
so do you use yahoo personals for long time ? Well, I am not from United States and I am from Moldova, Camenca. If you see the distance could be problem just let me know and I am understand also, but who know. Yahoo gave me no chance to indicate my location because it seems not popular here at all, and I had to put it as US, so have you ever date someone from an other country and do you think it could be possible for you ?
Now about what bring me to internet. This month my dog named Angela died and I felt terrible and co-worker told to me I should try Internet and she be lived it can make me feel better, I make this email address for its memory. These days I am much better. I can speak and write English and if you have any difficult in understanding my writings, just let me know.
I will try to describe myself and will be short so if you feel interest you can send me an answer, my computer is need to be fixed and they have told to me they will get it in three weeks maximum so I use internet cafe now to write you from here, I will be back in a few days to check for your answer.
My name is Kristina, I am 29 years old and my birthday is 5th of April, looking for serious relations only, not fan, virtual, nude, chat, etc. Finished with ex boyfriend half year before and single this days. What is about you? Do you have any bad habits? I do not smoke,
do not drink often, and have never tried any kind of drugs. My weight is 118 lbs and 5.6 tall, not too large lady for you? Just joking!
I keep in fit and like different activities, let me know what activities you like? I hope you do not think that watching TV with bottle of bear every evening is good activity :)) What do you do for living? I work as doctor (gynecologist) in the Hospital.
What is about your family? I have no kids by myself but have a lot of relatives, send me some pics of your family if you have. Have you ever been traveling abroad? What country do you wish to visit the most? I enjoy traveling very much. I need to go now, let me know if you got my pic
Kristina
One more thing I gotta add-I think this phrase I caught made me think of a “short” male character: I will try to describe myself and will be short . I definitely described myself as short!
Hello Kristina!
Sorry on a slow response, I am a writer a lot. I use yahoo personals much, if I make it to a use more it will need to be application on computer J I am from Untied States, but I guess you can know it obvious. So, I must ask the question, where is Camenca? I am guess Russian in nature since city name Moldova, but wrong could be indicated by you. I am apologies your country is not popular. Yahoo should recognize it anyways, it is a country, there are clearly daters there, I mean, there is you.
I have not had the date with foreign woman, and my dog is not dead. However, we both have other things to relate to. I am not short, but I speak English. I am 34 years old, and my birthday is July . I search the good woman for serious relations, not imaginary friend, text, not clothing optional, I am too shy. I finished burying my ex two days ago. She went through windshield when she drove drunk and was made to land in a field of rocks.
I will admit I have bad habits too, my ex and I shared bad habits. I drink a 30 pack of beer a day since funeral, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, and sometimes I like to smoke crack. Not often, definitely not at work or before, but on day off it is great for a relaxed. My height of 3’2”, and weight of 175 lbs. I am not fit, but I do fit in some suitcases! This would make for less travel expense when we to travel on a trip together!
For activities, I will do anything but go to circus. They have tried to kidnap me & force me to work on many occasion, I will not absolute do it! I work at library as a book re-stocker. I enjoy climbing shelves, climbing is many an enjoyment for me. I have not the kids either, but siblings have them. I have not traveled with a broad, but would like to visit Russia! I got your pic, I need to upload some of mine on here.
Dan
Hello, I just check my email and I am glad to see your response,
so do you use yahoo personals for long time ? Well, I am not from United States and I am from Moldova, Camenca. If you see the distance could be problem just let me know and I am understand also, but who know. Yahoo gave me no chance to indicate my location because it seems not popular here at all, and I had to put it as US, so have you ever date someone from an other country and do you think it could be possible for you ?
Now about what bring me to internet. This month my dog named Angela died and I felt terrible and co-worker told to me I should try Internet and she be lived it can make me feel better, I make this email address for its memory. These days I am much better. I can speak and write English and if you have any difficult in understanding my writings, just let me know.
I will try to describe myself and will be short so if you feel interest you can send me an answer, my computer is need to be fixed and they have told to me they will get it in three weeks maximum so I use internet cafe now to write you from here, I will be back in a few days to check for your answer.
My name is Kristina, I am 29 years old and my birthday is 5th of April, looking for serious relations only, not fan, virtual, nude, chat, etc. Finished with ex boyfriend half year before and single this days. What is about you? Do you have any bad habits? I do not smoke,
do not drink often, and have never tried any kind of drugs. My weight is 118 lbs and 5.6 tall, not too large lady for you? Just joking!
I keep in fit and like different activities, let me know what activities you like? I hope you do not think that watching TV with bottle of bear every evening is good activity :)) What do you do for living? I work as doctor (gynecologist) in the Hospital.
What is about your family? I have no kids by myself but have a lot of relatives, send me some pics of your family if you have. Have you ever been traveling abroad? What country do you wish to visit the most? I enjoy traveling very much. I need to go now, let me know if you got my pic
Kristina
One more thing I gotta add-I think this phrase I caught made me think of a “short” male character: I will try to describe myself and will be short . I definitely described myself as short!
Hello Kristina!
Sorry on a slow response, I am a writer a lot. I use yahoo personals much, if I make it to a use more it will need to be application on computer J I am from Untied States, but I guess you can know it obvious. So, I must ask the question, where is Camenca? I am guess Russian in nature since city name Moldova, but wrong could be indicated by you. I am apologies your country is not popular. Yahoo should recognize it anyways, it is a country, there are clearly daters there, I mean, there is you.
I have not had the date with foreign woman, and my dog is not dead. However, we both have other things to relate to. I am not short, but I speak English. I am 34 years old, and my birthday is July . I search the good woman for serious relations, not imaginary friend, text, not clothing optional, I am too shy. I finished burying my ex two days ago. She went through windshield when she drove drunk and was made to land in a field of rocks.
I will admit I have bad habits too, my ex and I shared bad habits. I drink a 30 pack of beer a day since funeral, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, and sometimes I like to smoke crack. Not often, definitely not at work or before, but on day off it is great for a relaxed. My height of 3’2”, and weight of 175 lbs. I am not fit, but I do fit in some suitcases! This would make for less travel expense when we to travel on a trip together!
For activities, I will do anything but go to circus. They have tried to kidnap me & force me to work on many occasion, I will not absolute do it! I work at library as a book re-stocker. I enjoy climbing shelves, climbing is many an enjoyment for me. I have not the kids either, but siblings have them. I have not traveled with a broad, but would like to visit Russia! I got your pic, I need to upload some of mine on here.
Dan
Anna Jello Chick, Part IX
Wow, I haven't scared this one off yet! Maybe that'll change after this e-mail?
HI Dan.
I once again pleased to receive your letter. I always feel pleased when I see your letter. To give you a better understanding of me, I want to tell you about their dreams and that is why I decided to look for a man on the Internet:
I like every woman dreams of being loved, I want to be near a man who would cold nights warmed by his love. I would like to cook him dinner when he comes home from work, have dinner together, go to the theater or cinema, exhibitions, or simply watch walk down the street. I would like to travel with someone you love and not about someone not to think but to him.
You are probably wondering why I'm looking for a loving man abroad, but not in their homeland. The fact that the guy with whom I met during one year, deceived me, all this time he promised to marry her, but when I began to insist on marriage, he admitted to me that never was going to marry me. After this had passed half a year, I have not met with anyone, withdrew into myself, I found it hard to trust anyone else.
Once I came close friend to me and said that her sister corresponded over the Internet with a man from Australia, and then left him to live and now she is happy. I was hesitant in the beginning so do not believe that this could be for real. But now I am thankful to her because she gave me the names of the road on which we met and I'm happy.
Tell us what you dream? Why are you looking for your future wife through the Internet, unless your country is not worthy of women?
I'll wait for your answer. Anna.
I really think I got on a roll with this scammer, it was fun to write to this one.
Hi Anna.
I again am made to be catch up on a letter. I always please myself when I see your letter To donate more knowledge on my person, I will tell of my reasons for quest on a Internet.
Like all women, I want to be cold when it is warm at night. I have ceiling fan in my room for this exact purpose. I want to go witness the concert, or go on a disco. I have always wanted to hang from a disco ball when I’m so drunk the room is spinning! I want to spend time with someone you love, good quality time, like 45 minutes! Do you have a sister?
I am looking for a broad, and I will not share her with my homeboys! Which is my problem with the ones here. They have all been around the block more than the bus! My last one, over a year ago, was a cheater! I came home to find her on mine favorite recliner, with three guys! When I left in disgust, another arrived at the door to join in! I am not want a broad like that. I am only want one woman for one man.
I have heard many happy stories of persons make acquaintance on an internet, I guess it is possible? Maybe someday happiness will be mine as well, but not complete until it is here. Maybe you can help to make it be found? I have good heart, but weak wallet. Let me know if this is an issue. I go now. Dan
HI Dan.
I once again pleased to receive your letter. I always feel pleased when I see your letter. To give you a better understanding of me, I want to tell you about their dreams and that is why I decided to look for a man on the Internet:
I like every woman dreams of being loved, I want to be near a man who would cold nights warmed by his love. I would like to cook him dinner when he comes home from work, have dinner together, go to the theater or cinema, exhibitions, or simply watch walk down the street. I would like to travel with someone you love and not about someone not to think but to him.
You are probably wondering why I'm looking for a loving man abroad, but not in their homeland. The fact that the guy with whom I met during one year, deceived me, all this time he promised to marry her, but when I began to insist on marriage, he admitted to me that never was going to marry me. After this had passed half a year, I have not met with anyone, withdrew into myself, I found it hard to trust anyone else.
Once I came close friend to me and said that her sister corresponded over the Internet with a man from Australia, and then left him to live and now she is happy. I was hesitant in the beginning so do not believe that this could be for real. But now I am thankful to her because she gave me the names of the road on which we met and I'm happy.
Tell us what you dream? Why are you looking for your future wife through the Internet, unless your country is not worthy of women?
I'll wait for your answer. Anna.
I really think I got on a roll with this scammer, it was fun to write to this one.
Hi Anna.
I again am made to be catch up on a letter. I always please myself when I see your letter To donate more knowledge on my person, I will tell of my reasons for quest on a Internet.
Like all women, I want to be cold when it is warm at night. I have ceiling fan in my room for this exact purpose. I want to go witness the concert, or go on a disco. I have always wanted to hang from a disco ball when I’m so drunk the room is spinning! I want to spend time with someone you love, good quality time, like 45 minutes! Do you have a sister?
I am looking for a broad, and I will not share her with my homeboys! Which is my problem with the ones here. They have all been around the block more than the bus! My last one, over a year ago, was a cheater! I came home to find her on mine favorite recliner, with three guys! When I left in disgust, another arrived at the door to join in! I am not want a broad like that. I am only want one woman for one man.
I have heard many happy stories of persons make acquaintance on an internet, I guess it is possible? Maybe someday happiness will be mine as well, but not complete until it is here. Maybe you can help to make it be found? I have good heart, but weak wallet. Let me know if this is an issue. I go now. Dan
Anna Jello Chick, Part VIII
I am so lucky she did all the work for me on this one, I really wasn't up to writing more tonight!
Hello Dan.
I am glad to receive your letter. I enjoy reading your letters. I think we need to continue to write to each other and further, to become intimate. I want to tell you more about their city. I live in the beautiful city of Kirov. This is a very beautiful city with a long history in which many ancient monuments, museums, theaters, parks and other attractions. This majority of people from different cities come to buy a car, because prices here are among the lowest in the car. I love my city. I have traveled all around him, because I love to travel. You can tell a little more about your city? I would be very interesting!
Not important enough, I also believe that you knew about my education and work. I graduated from the Kirov Medical Institute. And now for several years worked as a doctor. Every day, except weekends, I go to work, get up at 7 am and am at work since 8. 00 to 17. 00. I work 5 days a week, 9 hours per day. I hope that you are not too tired, just think work and education an important part of dating people, we just do not understand each other internally and from it. So if you can tell us more about your education and work?
I also speak on English, but not very well (not fast), I can read and translate, to write. Here to talk with a foreigner never tried. Letters I am writing myself in English Houses have no computer, but I go to Internet cafes. I registered for a couple of months. Thank you in advance for your response. I am looking forward to you the letter.
Best wishes Anna.
I really should write myself letters more often…
Hello Anna.
I am behind on sent letters in e-mail, apologies me. I had a stumble on work & nearly was cranial impacted injured on a concrete! Job of written work is not enough make payment for bills, so I have added minimum wage restaurant job. When combined writing job and restaurant job, time is in limited supply.
There is not much to see of ancient history here in Colorado Springs. Just tons of new houses built two feet apart from each other & cramped into tiny little overcrowded neighborhoods. On a transport, prices here are not low in the car, so we use it mass transit. Not importantly, you should knew about my work. I write editorial once a week and make $100 a week, plus work on a restaurant. I work 5 days a week as well restaurant, and spend 7 days a week to written. This means I am busy 12 days a week! Free time is only available if I have coupon!
I also speak English, with most fluently, and Russian minimal. I can say good morning, good afternoon, good evening, hello, my name is Dan, goodbye, and what did you say? When I write myself letters it is typically in English since Russian learned is not many. I have long day tomorrow, but will try to return letter Friday.
Досвидане!
Дан
Hello Dan.
I am glad to receive your letter. I enjoy reading your letters. I think we need to continue to write to each other and further, to become intimate. I want to tell you more about their city. I live in the beautiful city of Kirov. This is a very beautiful city with a long history in which many ancient monuments, museums, theaters, parks and other attractions. This majority of people from different cities come to buy a car, because prices here are among the lowest in the car. I love my city. I have traveled all around him, because I love to travel. You can tell a little more about your city? I would be very interesting!
Not important enough, I also believe that you knew about my education and work. I graduated from the Kirov Medical Institute. And now for several years worked as a doctor. Every day, except weekends, I go to work, get up at 7 am and am at work since 8. 00 to 17. 00. I work 5 days a week, 9 hours per day. I hope that you are not too tired, just think work and education an important part of dating people, we just do not understand each other internally and from it. So if you can tell us more about your education and work?
I also speak on English, but not very well (not fast), I can read and translate, to write. Here to talk with a foreigner never tried. Letters I am writing myself in English Houses have no computer, but I go to Internet cafes. I registered for a couple of months. Thank you in advance for your response. I am looking forward to you the letter.
Best wishes Anna.
I really should write myself letters more often…
Hello Anna.
I am behind on sent letters in e-mail, apologies me. I had a stumble on work & nearly was cranial impacted injured on a concrete! Job of written work is not enough make payment for bills, so I have added minimum wage restaurant job. When combined writing job and restaurant job, time is in limited supply.
There is not much to see of ancient history here in Colorado Springs. Just tons of new houses built two feet apart from each other & cramped into tiny little overcrowded neighborhoods. On a transport, prices here are not low in the car, so we use it mass transit. Not importantly, you should knew about my work. I write editorial once a week and make $100 a week, plus work on a restaurant. I work 5 days a week as well restaurant, and spend 7 days a week to written. This means I am busy 12 days a week! Free time is only available if I have coupon!
I also speak English, with most fluently, and Russian minimal. I can say good morning, good afternoon, good evening, hello, my name is Dan, goodbye, and what did you say? When I write myself letters it is typically in English since Russian learned is not many. I have long day tomorrow, but will try to return letter Friday.
Досвидане!
Дан
Anna Jello Chick, Part V-Let The Body Hit The Paragraph
Okay, I can now be almost certain this one is using a program of some sort to string me along for her scam. How do I know? I caught one of the funniest bloopers i've seen a long time in her email, and I took the joke, beat it like a dead horse, and then tied the dead horse behind a truck and dragged it for 70 miles!
She accidentally left in the word "Body" right in the middle of one of her paragraphs! I'm guessing this program shows her how to build an email: header, introduction, body, ending statement, and place your name here. So, I followed a similar pattern, here's what happened:
Hi my dear friend Dan. I am very glad to see your letter. I only came in an Internet cafe and very happy to see your letter. I am very glad that you understand my position and that I am writing to you. I am also pleased that you are saying. Now I know that you will always be in my email. I see that you are a very remarkable man in his letters. I want you to send me photos always. I will also send you photos. I will do soon new pictures to send to you.
I want to tell you Dan what I love to do in your spare time. I love listening to music. I listen to pop music classics. I love to watch TV I usually watch the news what is happening in the country. I love to read books. love spending time with friends. We go to restaurants in the cinema. Body. How do you spend your free time? I hope that you will never game with me. I hope that you are the man whom I was looking for. Because I really came to the internet to find love and hope that I'll do that. Ask me what you want to know about me Dan. I just do not know what you have to say. Now I need to go to work. I'll wait for your letter. Anna.
Please allow me to introduction myself….
Introduction. Hello Anna. I am not in a cafeteria, but I am still reading. And writing. And arithmetic. It is true that I am saying. You will forever be in my thoughts, my prayers, and my email. I see that you too are a very remarkable man in her letters, whether consonants or vowels!
The second paragraph. So you like listening on a music in my spare time? I like it much to listen music in your spare time! I don’t care what’s happening in country music though. I am literate good for make the read on a book. I will only game with you if we play in two player mode, or if you play rock group.
Closing paragraph. I do not know what I have to say either, you can just put the words in my mouth and I will spit them. I need more of them though ,since this is a last paragraph. Oh well. On a departure note I wish you good day and much smiles and sunshine and puppies. Write your name here. Dan
She accidentally left in the word "Body" right in the middle of one of her paragraphs! I'm guessing this program shows her how to build an email: header, introduction, body, ending statement, and place your name here. So, I followed a similar pattern, here's what happened:
Hi my dear friend Dan. I am very glad to see your letter. I only came in an Internet cafe and very happy to see your letter. I am very glad that you understand my position and that I am writing to you. I am also pleased that you are saying. Now I know that you will always be in my email. I see that you are a very remarkable man in his letters. I want you to send me photos always. I will also send you photos. I will do soon new pictures to send to you.
I want to tell you Dan what I love to do in your spare time. I love listening to music. I listen to pop music classics. I love to watch TV I usually watch the news what is happening in the country. I love to read books. love spending time with friends. We go to restaurants in the cinema. Body. How do you spend your free time? I hope that you will never game with me. I hope that you are the man whom I was looking for. Because I really came to the internet to find love and hope that I'll do that. Ask me what you want to know about me Dan. I just do not know what you have to say. Now I need to go to work. I'll wait for your letter. Anna.
Please allow me to introduction myself….
Introduction. Hello Anna. I am not in a cafeteria, but I am still reading. And writing. And arithmetic. It is true that I am saying. You will forever be in my thoughts, my prayers, and my email. I see that you too are a very remarkable man in her letters, whether consonants or vowels!
The second paragraph. So you like listening on a music in my spare time? I like it much to listen music in your spare time! I don’t care what’s happening in country music though. I am literate good for make the read on a book. I will only game with you if we play in two player mode, or if you play rock group.
Closing paragraph. I do not know what I have to say either, you can just put the words in my mouth and I will spit them. I need more of them though ,since this is a last paragraph. Oh well. On a departure note I wish you good day and much smiles and sunshine and puppies. Write your name here. Dan
ESL #118? : Yes Anastasiya?
Chapter 7: Yes Anastasiya
I’d be lying if I said Tori Amos wasn’t an influence on my writing. It took a combination of Tori Amos, Ice-T, and Yanni to pry my mind open back when I was listening to nothing but death metal. Tori started it by covering Nirvana, then Ice-T formed a metal band called Body Count, and Yanni’s “Reflections of Passion” became my fall asleep tape that worked for the better part of a decade. Those three combined helped me learn to think outside of the box.
If you’ve never bothered to check out Tori’s lyrics, try looking up the song Space Dog. I was totally reeled in the first time I heard the line “racing turtles, the grapefruit is winning”. When they’re telling me things like “on her fault to us could not the client will phone”, it leaves me stuck trying to get past “the essential barrier of language was”, hence the name for volume II. So, on that note, please enjoy the next chapter of breakings with the English.
ESL #118? : Yes Anastasiya?
My fellow Tori fanatics will get a kick out of me naming an ESL blog after one of her songs, but it's only too fitting since that's her name :) Well, supposedly, I mean it's the name this one is using. I'm sure she will just follow the usual protocol & ask me for money in about 8-10 emails.
One little problem I just thought of-I used an online cyrillic keyboard to write to her in Russian since i'm almost certain she's going to claim to be Russian. So, this one could backfire on me in two different ways:
1) Myspace's program won't be able to read the Russian writing & it'll show up as ??????????? instead of the cyrillic letters
2) She thinks i'm 100% fluent in Russian and emails back in nothing but Russian. I know a little bit, but not enough to carry on a conversation that lasts for several paragraphs. It would take me days to write her back if she did that. Remember, it did take me 3 tries to pass Russian, and even that was a C.
Hi!
I think, at us much in common and to us will be to communicate about what.
At me it is a lot of work and consequently it will be better to us to continue dialogue through mail.
I will wait for your letter! Nastya =)
Just for the sake of translating-this first line written in Cyrillic says “Hello Nastya!!!! My name is Dan, I’m 34,I study Russian language at Pikes Peak College.”
Здравствуте, Настя!!!!
Меня завут Дан, я 34, я учус Русски язик в Пикс Пеак Колледж. And how is your day? Is my Russian okay? I have returned from work to check email on a dating site and witnessed your profile removal. Praise be to the Gods that you give email address :) I wish that your person gives a return email after I send mine. Well, I must be sleeping soon, I hope to hear from you again.
Досвидане!
Дан
(Goodbye! Dan)
I’d be lying if I said Tori Amos wasn’t an influence on my writing. It took a combination of Tori Amos, Ice-T, and Yanni to pry my mind open back when I was listening to nothing but death metal. Tori started it by covering Nirvana, then Ice-T formed a metal band called Body Count, and Yanni’s “Reflections of Passion” became my fall asleep tape that worked for the better part of a decade. Those three combined helped me learn to think outside of the box.
If you’ve never bothered to check out Tori’s lyrics, try looking up the song Space Dog. I was totally reeled in the first time I heard the line “racing turtles, the grapefruit is winning”. When they’re telling me things like “on her fault to us could not the client will phone”, it leaves me stuck trying to get past “the essential barrier of language was”, hence the name for volume II. So, on that note, please enjoy the next chapter of breakings with the English.
ESL #118? : Yes Anastasiya?
My fellow Tori fanatics will get a kick out of me naming an ESL blog after one of her songs, but it's only too fitting since that's her name :) Well, supposedly, I mean it's the name this one is using. I'm sure she will just follow the usual protocol & ask me for money in about 8-10 emails.
One little problem I just thought of-I used an online cyrillic keyboard to write to her in Russian since i'm almost certain she's going to claim to be Russian. So, this one could backfire on me in two different ways:
1) Myspace's program won't be able to read the Russian writing & it'll show up as ??????????? instead of the cyrillic letters
2) She thinks i'm 100% fluent in Russian and emails back in nothing but Russian. I know a little bit, but not enough to carry on a conversation that lasts for several paragraphs. It would take me days to write her back if she did that. Remember, it did take me 3 tries to pass Russian, and even that was a C.
Hi!
I think, at us much in common and to us will be to communicate about what.
At me it is a lot of work and consequently it will be better to us to continue dialogue through mail.
I will wait for your letter! Nastya =)
Just for the sake of translating-this first line written in Cyrillic says “Hello Nastya!!!! My name is Dan, I’m 34,I study Russian language at Pikes Peak College.”
Здравствуте, Настя!!!!
Меня завут Дан, я 34, я учус Русски язик в Пикс Пеак Колледж. And how is your day? Is my Russian okay? I have returned from work to check email on a dating site and witnessed your profile removal. Praise be to the Gods that you give email address :) I wish that your person gives a return email after I send mine. Well, I must be sleeping soon, I hope to hear from you again.
Досвидане!
Дан
(Goodbye! Dan)
Don't Cry For Me Evgeniya, Part VII
I can't believe I pulled this one off! This one had one of the best broken English poems i've ever seen! I think someone finally trumped Svetlana and the scarlet decline, but i'll leave that to be determined by the critics:
Hi, my sweetheart Dan, how are you ? today
I've seen so many nice places in St-Petersburg while going by bus! When I got off the plane in the St-Petersburg Airport policeman asked me about passport and he looked at me like I am an enemy ))) I think all people here (and everywhere) are a little crazy because of terrorism. Everything here is very expensive, not like in my city...and everywhere are big crowds of people! Everywhere is so many people!
I'm still uncomfortable about it but I feel soon it will be OK. I've been to few shops here today and I see goods are much more expensive here then in my native city. I am much tired from flight from Abakan up to ST-Petersburg I'm so excited to write you again!!!!!!!!!! I'm in St-Petersburg, Russia, not St-Peresburg in USA You can't imagine how happy I am that I already started my trip to you!
I still cannot believe I've done it! Wow! As I wrote you I was scared to fly on the plane but everything was OK and I'm still alive )))) St-Petersburg is a really big city! I've been told the population of St-Petersburg is about 10 million of people! From the Airport I went by bus...it was so long way... about 1 hour and 10 minutes.
I found a place to stay, I rent a room from an old woman and man. She is have 62 years old and he is have 65 years old. And they have two grown up children but they are already married and don't come to visit they very often. So they are alone and they have not much money so they give in rent rooms in own apartment. They are very nice men's )) They said I have to be very careful.
You know... This woman said many girls from small cities come to big cities... or even abroad...They are looking for a better future and fortune, but they are from small cities, they didn't imagine their way to find the happiness can be not as easy as they thought...And some of them can end up as prostitutes or something like that. She said I should be careful when I meet you!! But I don't worry about you! I feel with all my heart you are really nice man! And I think I'm enough educated not to end up as a prostitute and I will find my happiness! Sorry I wrote you about my worries.. I have nobody to write about it. My parents are worried enough about me and I don't want to make them worry more.
I think that's really good I've met you! I can write you about everything. I miss my parents... but I'm getting better with every hour )) Now I'm very hungry and I will go and eat something. I wish to light this a small poem to you while I in flight I had time it to compose :My poem for you!!!!
My voice for you both tender and languid
Disturbs later silence of night dark.
Near bed sad the candle burns mine
My verses merge murmuring, flow, rivers love, Flow are full you
In darkness your eyes shine before with me
To me smile, and sounds are heard by me:
My friend, my gentle friend
I Like .. Yours Yours!
In pinetions long hopeless, In alarms of noisy vanity
The voice gentle sounded to me long
Also lovely fig dreamed.
And heart beat in ecstasy
And for it have revived again
And a deity, and inspiration
Both life, and happiness, and love
Please confirm the name of airport and be sure you wrote it right. Please confirm me your full name and telephone number. :phone: Please don't be mad! I just want to be sure I have your contacts! This way I will feel more confident. I will try write to you even in the evening today, I do not know Whether I can make it as affairs much it is necessary to make still I have already one good news, my passport is ready. I am afraid to make any mistake... I hope everything will be fine. I've been told I may have all further information about my trip tomorrow. As soon as I learn it I will write you an e-mail!!! I don't have enough time now to write more things.
Your Genya. :love: :love: :love:
Her poem is another on my list of favorites I’ve gotten from this one, and it made it fun to write my response too!
Hello my precious gem Genya!!!!!
Today in my city is a cold. There is wind and snow everywhere. Absolute it was miserable of a weather. I had short day at work, is not enough of a business to keep me busy. I made myself walk home on a snow, and my shoe was untied! I hope you are enjoying yourself in St. Petersburg! Sorry for read you get treatment like a terrorist, I hope they did not commit cavity search, they should save that for dentist, or me!
I wish it to see St. Petersburg someday, you are the lucky girl! I have been to the big city, Denver, but it is smaller town, only 5 million people! St. Petersburg must be massive like iceberg! It is bad that things are more to cost in a big city. They are not more in Denver, I wonder why there? Maybe to cause it is price gauging mafia?
Perhaps we should try Denver when you to arrive here? It is big city, but there is large community of Russian immigrants. They even have Russian community newspaper! I saw on it when I was a college student to study the Russian language. I will try make a browse for prices apartments to move on a Denver, and for search it a job to be me. I hope we can solve you worries when make it an arrival, I am not known of my future here either. Jobs not good, education not enough and too expensive for make to return to it. I hard worker though, someone will find more good use for me!
Well, I should go soon, but I loved your poem so much, I felt I must return it, so here is effort mine:
Voice mine longs for hearing of yours
But thousands of miles away it is
But then you make an arrival!
Whence it is seen you!
Night time is dark!
But light brings you when it arrives!
Like a candle in a power outage, it brings hope.
Like a deer in the headlights, I am stuck when witness your light.
It is 90 watt, very bright for a man who is light sensitive.
Car alarms read Vanity Fair, and eat fig bars.
And the author is very stoned!
God, I need a defibrilator, I am perspirating!
I love happiness!
The airport is Colorado Springs Airport. My phone service sent to stop since my first paycheck was sent to closed bank account. It will be returned when fixed payroll information, but paperwork completion was just completion today. The number was 719-634-XXXX, hoping it will remain a same when it is returned.
I hope it is not a mistake! Wishing to see you soon! Love
Dan
Hi, my sweetheart Dan, how are you ? today
I've seen so many nice places in St-Petersburg while going by bus! When I got off the plane in the St-Petersburg Airport policeman asked me about passport and he looked at me like I am an enemy ))) I think all people here (and everywhere) are a little crazy because of terrorism. Everything here is very expensive, not like in my city...and everywhere are big crowds of people! Everywhere is so many people!
I'm still uncomfortable about it but I feel soon it will be OK. I've been to few shops here today and I see goods are much more expensive here then in my native city. I am much tired from flight from Abakan up to ST-Petersburg I'm so excited to write you again!!!!!!!!!! I'm in St-Petersburg, Russia, not St-Peresburg in USA You can't imagine how happy I am that I already started my trip to you!
I still cannot believe I've done it! Wow! As I wrote you I was scared to fly on the plane but everything was OK and I'm still alive )))) St-Petersburg is a really big city! I've been told the population of St-Petersburg is about 10 million of people! From the Airport I went by bus...it was so long way... about 1 hour and 10 minutes.
I found a place to stay, I rent a room from an old woman and man. She is have 62 years old and he is have 65 years old. And they have two grown up children but they are already married and don't come to visit they very often. So they are alone and they have not much money so they give in rent rooms in own apartment. They are very nice men's )) They said I have to be very careful.
You know... This woman said many girls from small cities come to big cities... or even abroad...They are looking for a better future and fortune, but they are from small cities, they didn't imagine their way to find the happiness can be not as easy as they thought...And some of them can end up as prostitutes or something like that. She said I should be careful when I meet you!! But I don't worry about you! I feel with all my heart you are really nice man! And I think I'm enough educated not to end up as a prostitute and I will find my happiness! Sorry I wrote you about my worries.. I have nobody to write about it. My parents are worried enough about me and I don't want to make them worry more.
I think that's really good I've met you! I can write you about everything. I miss my parents... but I'm getting better with every hour )) Now I'm very hungry and I will go and eat something. I wish to light this a small poem to you while I in flight I had time it to compose :My poem for you!!!!
My voice for you both tender and languid
Disturbs later silence of night dark.
Near bed sad the candle burns mine
My verses merge murmuring, flow, rivers love, Flow are full you
In darkness your eyes shine before with me
To me smile, and sounds are heard by me:
My friend, my gentle friend
I Like .. Yours Yours!
In pinetions long hopeless, In alarms of noisy vanity
The voice gentle sounded to me long
Also lovely fig dreamed.
And heart beat in ecstasy
And for it have revived again
And a deity, and inspiration
Both life, and happiness, and love
Please confirm the name of airport and be sure you wrote it right. Please confirm me your full name and telephone number. :phone: Please don't be mad! I just want to be sure I have your contacts! This way I will feel more confident. I will try write to you even in the evening today, I do not know Whether I can make it as affairs much it is necessary to make still I have already one good news, my passport is ready. I am afraid to make any mistake... I hope everything will be fine. I've been told I may have all further information about my trip tomorrow. As soon as I learn it I will write you an e-mail!!! I don't have enough time now to write more things.
Your Genya. :love: :love: :love:
Her poem is another on my list of favorites I’ve gotten from this one, and it made it fun to write my response too!
Hello my precious gem Genya!!!!!
Today in my city is a cold. There is wind and snow everywhere. Absolute it was miserable of a weather. I had short day at work, is not enough of a business to keep me busy. I made myself walk home on a snow, and my shoe was untied! I hope you are enjoying yourself in St. Petersburg! Sorry for read you get treatment like a terrorist, I hope they did not commit cavity search, they should save that for dentist, or me!
I wish it to see St. Petersburg someday, you are the lucky girl! I have been to the big city, Denver, but it is smaller town, only 5 million people! St. Petersburg must be massive like iceberg! It is bad that things are more to cost in a big city. They are not more in Denver, I wonder why there? Maybe to cause it is price gauging mafia?
Perhaps we should try Denver when you to arrive here? It is big city, but there is large community of Russian immigrants. They even have Russian community newspaper! I saw on it when I was a college student to study the Russian language. I will try make a browse for prices apartments to move on a Denver, and for search it a job to be me. I hope we can solve you worries when make it an arrival, I am not known of my future here either. Jobs not good, education not enough and too expensive for make to return to it. I hard worker though, someone will find more good use for me!
Well, I should go soon, but I loved your poem so much, I felt I must return it, so here is effort mine:
Voice mine longs for hearing of yours
But thousands of miles away it is
But then you make an arrival!
Whence it is seen you!
Night time is dark!
But light brings you when it arrives!
Like a candle in a power outage, it brings hope.
Like a deer in the headlights, I am stuck when witness your light.
It is 90 watt, very bright for a man who is light sensitive.
Car alarms read Vanity Fair, and eat fig bars.
And the author is very stoned!
God, I need a defibrilator, I am perspirating!
I love happiness!
The airport is Colorado Springs Airport. My phone service sent to stop since my first paycheck was sent to closed bank account. It will be returned when fixed payroll information, but paperwork completion was just completion today. The number was 719-634-XXXX, hoping it will remain a same when it is returned.
I hope it is not a mistake! Wishing to see you soon! Love
Dan
Don't Cry For Me Evgeniya, Part III
This one was quite a marathon, but I had to take my time going over it, paragraph after paragraph, to make sure I didn't miss out on a single joke opportunity. Well O.K., I already see one I missed out on, but i'm really trying to keep it somewhat clean. The best part is-i've already got another email from her to reply to! I really wish I could just get Russian scammers all the time and not the Nigerians, these turn out so much funnier since their English is that much worse!
Hello Dan! happy see your letter my inbox :))
I write you my emails from Internet cafe, I don't have my own computer and internet I'm sending few photos for you today! I hope you are not tired to look at my photos? I like your photo, you look very well!!! This time I will write you more about myself. I think you should know more about my life and my hobbies so you will know if we have any common interests.
I hope soon I will be able to come to your area by my birthday and we will meet each other! I'm not sure why I picked you but I feel something special about you! We live with our parents and my young sister in 2 room apartment. I'm happy my parents will be not alone when I leave the for another country. My father is 56 years old now, my mom is 54. You see my mom is much younger then my father and they are very happy together. My mother is a teacher of Geography in the school. My father work at a factory - The welder The name of my city is Abakan.
Abakan is a large city, the main city in our district. In a Abakan 53°43 frosts and 91°25 heats were marked. Amplitude of fluctuations of the winter and years temperatures, exceeding 100, any region of the world Average temperature in January - does not test - 47 degrees, in July + 40,4 °C degrees. Distance up to Moscow - 4218 km, At us one of the greatest rivers in Russia – Yenisei.
My birthday is March, 10 . I'm 26 years old, not that young I think?
I'm 175 cm tall (5.7.) and 63 kg weight (about 120 pounds, I'm not sure how much it is in pound but I'm not fat!). I don't know exactly my bust-waist-hips measurements, I don't have a reason to measure it because I think it's OK and my body is proportionate )) I take care of my body, I do aerobics three times a week and two times a week I go to the swimming pool twice a week.
I graduated from Abakanskiy Sports University three years ago, contemporary dance faculty. Yes we have such faculty in Sport University! So I'm a professional dancer. I don't want to have a dancer's career because I will have not much time for my private life and for relationship with a man. I work as a dance teacher, I teach children from 10 to 15 years how to dance! Also I have a certificate of fitness instructor, this is my another hobby. So it would be perfect if later I will find a work as instructor or teacher of dances!!! I think it's a very good job for a woman, I'm always in a good shape and I keep myself not that busy!
Do you know how to dance? If not I can teach you! I can dance many different styles. When I come to your city I will work as a waitress in a restaurant. I would like to work as a dance teacher but I think you understand it's not possible to arrange such work by Internet because they want to see how well I dance. Anyway I will try to find such work when I come over there. Or maybe not a dancer but aerobics instructor, I think it's also very good job. Of course I will miss everybody but I want to have my own happiness!
In winter I like skiing, although we have cold winters... our summers are warm usually. The natural color of my hair is fair. I hope that's not a problem for you or you like natural color of hair? I like classic music, jazz, rock, lounge. I like music at all! I want to try how to ride a motorcycle someday! I've never tried it!
I very much love flowers, I very much like roses and violets I can play piano also, she teached me how to play piano. I finished music school and I still play piano about once a week. There is no any messenger in this Cafe so we can only keep emailing each other. I hope you are not getting bored to read my emails?
So now you have a representation of who I am....I just can tell you that I enjoy life and I try to live to the fullest, I like to try new things. I'm not that smart. I was not that good in mathematics, physics, biology and so on! But I'm very tender, caring, artistic, faithful, decent person. Sometimes I can be not well organized, I think everybody had it's own minuses and pluses. I don't look any special qualities in a man. I just hope he will be faithful to me and ready to create a happy family with me and I will do everything to make him happy. I'm looking for a soulmate! OK... it's time to finish my email. I'm sending a kiss by the wind to you and if I sent it to the right destination you should receive it by evening )))) I hope you will catch my kiss somehow ))) I suppose in few days I will leave for St-Petersburg. I started to register my documents about 2 months ago, so I will travel soon and I will be allowed to work! I shall write certainly to you About a trip as soon as I learn about it !! Do you have an International Airport in your city? Please write me it's name an code write me the name of the nearest Airport to you.
Now I'm not at home often and of you call me my father will pick up the phone and he can't speak any English and he will be shocked to hear the English speech. I still didn't tell him about you but I'm going to tell him this week, I will write you about his thoughts on this topic! Yes, I have forgotten to tell to you that my short name Genya
Bye, your Evgeniya
That bit of broken English she did where she talked the changes in temperature (amplitude of fluctuations) was probably my favorite bit of broken English in this whole series!
Hello Evgeniya!!
Me happy too when see many letter you on my inbox!!! I am currently seated upright in front of computer, typing a sentence to you. Apologies on me for not having more photos, but none are recent except photo sent already. I am not tired to look at you photo, you photo is splendid! I see you have written me your interests, so contrast to mine should be shown if not exceptional?
On it a date of birth to you, March 10, you wish to fly here by that date? The day is approaching with most quickness, I am not to be certain it can make an achievement that quick? I am not on a work for a month. I would be too much lacking moneys for even pick you up at the airplane station. I am live on a house with a friend , four dogs, a snake in my room, and rabbit outside. I guess you could say I am mobbin’ with the dog pound!
The city I stay in it was named Colorado Springs. We have best it is known to the rest of it country for our beautiful mountains and our gay bashing religious fanatics. The town it is a hate for taxes too, we have such small public services for town this size. Our motto-“We have no weekend bus service, but we can buy the Olympic Training Center a beautiful new $30 million dollar headquarters downtown”.
On a temperature fluctuation, winter here can often be very cold, but not as much as you are accustomed to. Frequently more than never, winter will feel like summer for you! It can be as cold as 0 fahrenheit at times, even below freezing on a overnight occasion. But normally it is not much worse than 30’s during winter. At a summertime we can get very warm, as high as in the 90’s!
So now more on it subject me. I am 34 years of age, not that old I don’t think, age to me is only a number. My best friend is 48, yet I associate with 19 year olds. Aspirations to be best selling written work. I went to the college for studies of psychology, but obstacles have made prevention of complete to a degree. I am not known my measurements, but I am not obese either. I could change that though if I keep eating at pizza buffets. At present to me is a height of 6 feet and weight of approximately 185 pounds. I am not much for an exercise, but I do not add weight, nor subtract it. Metabolism seems to work in my favor. I am not known how to dance, but maybe you could teach it?
If you can actually afford such monies for a flight here I would like it very much! As mentioned before though, I am not work in a month, so money is not mine current positive trait. In addition of writing and reading, I am also a very large football fan! This means I spend every Sunday on a sofa with chips, pizza, spicy chicken strips and beer from 11am to 9pm. I will not make a move for 10 hours unless it is for food or bathroom use. Strangely enough, I have never tried skiing in spite of it a mountain is near.
I also am very much a music fan, it one of other studies at school. I performed in a choir, took vocal lessons, piano, and now I love karaoke! I much confusion created when switch from soft pop music to the very heavy hard rock! I very much the big rock noise like! Yet I also am like an orchestra, it is interesting when the two genres are transferred together to make big rock with symphony! On a last two concert, I to go enjoy a symphony, in the big arena, it was amazing! To me some favorite artists include Tiamat, Beatallica, Amorphis, Dimmu Borgir, Yanni, Tori Amos, Slayer, Paul Carrack, Pink Floyd, The Cure, The Scorpions, and Josh Groban. What are some which you can name it?
So now is it enough of a representation of my person that you knew it? I too follow the philosophy of living life to the fullest. This is why I eat at buffet, I leave when I am fullest J I think that I the medium smart man. I was not that good in physics or biology, but I am nerd at numbers and good the writing. I have a good heart too I think , no heart attacks yet. I am definitely ready to create a family with you, that picture you sent with the second email was good practice and showed you have all the qualities I am looking for! I think we all have pluses, minuses, subtractions and divisions, but we all balance out at the end.
Well, I caught your kiss with a little help from a Canadian cold front, it blew it right to me! Now I blow you kisses too, but I am sending multiples so if one misses, another has a chance to reach it to you! Goodbye for now until next email!
Love, Dan
Hello Dan! happy see your letter my inbox :))
I write you my emails from Internet cafe, I don't have my own computer and internet I'm sending few photos for you today! I hope you are not tired to look at my photos? I like your photo, you look very well!!! This time I will write you more about myself. I think you should know more about my life and my hobbies so you will know if we have any common interests.
I hope soon I will be able to come to your area by my birthday and we will meet each other! I'm not sure why I picked you but I feel something special about you! We live with our parents and my young sister in 2 room apartment. I'm happy my parents will be not alone when I leave the for another country. My father is 56 years old now, my mom is 54. You see my mom is much younger then my father and they are very happy together. My mother is a teacher of Geography in the school. My father work at a factory - The welder The name of my city is Abakan.
Abakan is a large city, the main city in our district. In a Abakan 53°43 frosts and 91°25 heats were marked. Amplitude of fluctuations of the winter and years temperatures, exceeding 100, any region of the world Average temperature in January - does not test - 47 degrees, in July + 40,4 °C degrees. Distance up to Moscow - 4218 km, At us one of the greatest rivers in Russia – Yenisei.
My birthday is March, 10 . I'm 26 years old, not that young I think?
I'm 175 cm tall (5.7.) and 63 kg weight (about 120 pounds, I'm not sure how much it is in pound but I'm not fat!). I don't know exactly my bust-waist-hips measurements, I don't have a reason to measure it because I think it's OK and my body is proportionate )) I take care of my body, I do aerobics three times a week and two times a week I go to the swimming pool twice a week.
I graduated from Abakanskiy Sports University three years ago, contemporary dance faculty. Yes we have such faculty in Sport University! So I'm a professional dancer. I don't want to have a dancer's career because I will have not much time for my private life and for relationship with a man. I work as a dance teacher, I teach children from 10 to 15 years how to dance! Also I have a certificate of fitness instructor, this is my another hobby. So it would be perfect if later I will find a work as instructor or teacher of dances!!! I think it's a very good job for a woman, I'm always in a good shape and I keep myself not that busy!
Do you know how to dance? If not I can teach you! I can dance many different styles. When I come to your city I will work as a waitress in a restaurant. I would like to work as a dance teacher but I think you understand it's not possible to arrange such work by Internet because they want to see how well I dance. Anyway I will try to find such work when I come over there. Or maybe not a dancer but aerobics instructor, I think it's also very good job. Of course I will miss everybody but I want to have my own happiness!
In winter I like skiing, although we have cold winters... our summers are warm usually. The natural color of my hair is fair. I hope that's not a problem for you or you like natural color of hair? I like classic music, jazz, rock, lounge. I like music at all! I want to try how to ride a motorcycle someday! I've never tried it!
I very much love flowers, I very much like roses and violets I can play piano also, she teached me how to play piano. I finished music school and I still play piano about once a week. There is no any messenger in this Cafe so we can only keep emailing each other. I hope you are not getting bored to read my emails?
So now you have a representation of who I am....I just can tell you that I enjoy life and I try to live to the fullest, I like to try new things. I'm not that smart. I was not that good in mathematics, physics, biology and so on! But I'm very tender, caring, artistic, faithful, decent person. Sometimes I can be not well organized, I think everybody had it's own minuses and pluses. I don't look any special qualities in a man. I just hope he will be faithful to me and ready to create a happy family with me and I will do everything to make him happy. I'm looking for a soulmate! OK... it's time to finish my email. I'm sending a kiss by the wind to you and if I sent it to the right destination you should receive it by evening )))) I hope you will catch my kiss somehow ))) I suppose in few days I will leave for St-Petersburg. I started to register my documents about 2 months ago, so I will travel soon and I will be allowed to work! I shall write certainly to you About a trip as soon as I learn about it !! Do you have an International Airport in your city? Please write me it's name an code write me the name of the nearest Airport to you.
Now I'm not at home often and of you call me my father will pick up the phone and he can't speak any English and he will be shocked to hear the English speech. I still didn't tell him about you but I'm going to tell him this week, I will write you about his thoughts on this topic! Yes, I have forgotten to tell to you that my short name Genya
Bye, your Evgeniya
That bit of broken English she did where she talked the changes in temperature (amplitude of fluctuations) was probably my favorite bit of broken English in this whole series!
Hello Evgeniya!!
Me happy too when see many letter you on my inbox!!! I am currently seated upright in front of computer, typing a sentence to you. Apologies on me for not having more photos, but none are recent except photo sent already. I am not tired to look at you photo, you photo is splendid! I see you have written me your interests, so contrast to mine should be shown if not exceptional?
On it a date of birth to you, March 10, you wish to fly here by that date? The day is approaching with most quickness, I am not to be certain it can make an achievement that quick? I am not on a work for a month. I would be too much lacking moneys for even pick you up at the airplane station. I am live on a house with a friend , four dogs, a snake in my room, and rabbit outside. I guess you could say I am mobbin’ with the dog pound!
The city I stay in it was named Colorado Springs. We have best it is known to the rest of it country for our beautiful mountains and our gay bashing religious fanatics. The town it is a hate for taxes too, we have such small public services for town this size. Our motto-“We have no weekend bus service, but we can buy the Olympic Training Center a beautiful new $30 million dollar headquarters downtown”.
On a temperature fluctuation, winter here can often be very cold, but not as much as you are accustomed to. Frequently more than never, winter will feel like summer for you! It can be as cold as 0 fahrenheit at times, even below freezing on a overnight occasion. But normally it is not much worse than 30’s during winter. At a summertime we can get very warm, as high as in the 90’s!
So now more on it subject me. I am 34 years of age, not that old I don’t think, age to me is only a number. My best friend is 48, yet I associate with 19 year olds. Aspirations to be best selling written work. I went to the college for studies of psychology, but obstacles have made prevention of complete to a degree. I am not known my measurements, but I am not obese either. I could change that though if I keep eating at pizza buffets. At present to me is a height of 6 feet and weight of approximately 185 pounds. I am not much for an exercise, but I do not add weight, nor subtract it. Metabolism seems to work in my favor. I am not known how to dance, but maybe you could teach it?
If you can actually afford such monies for a flight here I would like it very much! As mentioned before though, I am not work in a month, so money is not mine current positive trait. In addition of writing and reading, I am also a very large football fan! This means I spend every Sunday on a sofa with chips, pizza, spicy chicken strips and beer from 11am to 9pm. I will not make a move for 10 hours unless it is for food or bathroom use. Strangely enough, I have never tried skiing in spite of it a mountain is near.
I also am very much a music fan, it one of other studies at school. I performed in a choir, took vocal lessons, piano, and now I love karaoke! I much confusion created when switch from soft pop music to the very heavy hard rock! I very much the big rock noise like! Yet I also am like an orchestra, it is interesting when the two genres are transferred together to make big rock with symphony! On a last two concert, I to go enjoy a symphony, in the big arena, it was amazing! To me some favorite artists include Tiamat, Beatallica, Amorphis, Dimmu Borgir, Yanni, Tori Amos, Slayer, Paul Carrack, Pink Floyd, The Cure, The Scorpions, and Josh Groban. What are some which you can name it?
So now is it enough of a representation of my person that you knew it? I too follow the philosophy of living life to the fullest. This is why I eat at buffet, I leave when I am fullest J I think that I the medium smart man. I was not that good in physics or biology, but I am nerd at numbers and good the writing. I have a good heart too I think , no heart attacks yet. I am definitely ready to create a family with you, that picture you sent with the second email was good practice and showed you have all the qualities I am looking for! I think we all have pluses, minuses, subtractions and divisions, but we all balance out at the end.
Well, I caught your kiss with a little help from a Canadian cold front, it blew it right to me! Now I blow you kisses too, but I am sending multiples so if one misses, another has a chance to reach it to you! Goodbye for now until next email!
Love, Dan
Type O Negative Personality, Part V
We need to start putting Nigerian parents on the side of milk cartons! I'm totally serious, this isn't the first time i've seen a letter from a poor lonely woman in Nigeria that lost her parents. We need to start finding these parents!
As usual, get ready to see me start crossing some lines I shouldn't be crossing....
Am happy you are interested in learning more about me ,I have never dealt with anyone in online before , i have been single for years, because am yet to find that special one to share my life with , I am presently in UK(England ),is not just a visit ,am here on business trip, am here to buy gold, sculptures and some paintings , it is cheaper down here compared to other part fo the world, I inherit this business from my late parents , it has been an interesting business. My goals and dreams are to live a good life, and maybe meet someone that believes in unconditional love. I've got a great sense of humor, I am more conservative politically than liberal...I work hard, and know how to have fun.. About my family its a long story to tell and touching that make me share tears whenever i remembered the past. I will keep this short, i came out from a good combination of two, my Mom is from UK while Dad is a American. I am the one and only child of my parent, i will count it ,I have a big Family because i dont know much about my Moms family in the UK while my Dads part is very small...Unfortunately i lost my parent same day, same time, same moment by a car accident, this happened about 8years ago, since then i have started to live my life by myself and not depending on my family, although i still miss my Mom because of the courage and advises she use to give to me about life , but i am glad i am whom i am today. This make me remember when my late parent were alive my Dads Cousin do come to us in Florida for a visit but after the final burial of my parent, they decided to raise me some fund to stand on my own then left me to continue with my life carrier until i come to them with my future Husband for a special introduction....I will count my family to be one of the royal family because when my mom and dad where alive they do treat each other in a manner of my King and my Queen , while i am the Princess.
Lilian
I took my joke about being retarded a little farther. That gets me thinking, I wonder if these sites allow retarded people to make a profile?
Hello Lillian!
I am Dan the retard again! I only deal with that goggle guy online, the parents warn me not to talk on a stranger anymore, especially when they are in chat room and ask me to sit on their lap. Or they invite me to choke on their chicken, but it is always after I have already had lunch! Oh well, can’t blame them for not knowing though. I do finger paintings a lot, and have gold coins with chocolate in them! I do not do business, I am not smart, I just want to live. I eat preservatives on sandwiches with peanut butter, and I use both liberally! I had to goggle the word liberal to understand it, but I got it.
I hardly work, other than cleaning my room, but I always have fun! I do not share tears, I only cry when I fall off my training bike. I’ve learned to wear a helmet though. I watch bat man, same bat time, same bat channel, every bat day! How did you lose your parent in accident? They should be easy to find if the accident just happened, they are right there! No, wait, it was 8 years, I guess they could get lost. Did they just not start looking for them right away after the accident?
It is rumored I am a bad combination of three, dad says uncle might be my daddy. So when people ask me, “who’s your daddy?” I tell them I’m not sure.
I am lost now-why they did buried your parents if they were simply lost? Isn’t there laws against burying someone alive? And why are you emailing me if you already have a future husband? My brain is royally scrambled right now. Time for my coloring book!
Dan
As usual, get ready to see me start crossing some lines I shouldn't be crossing....
Am happy you are interested in learning more about me ,I have never dealt with anyone in online before , i have been single for years, because am yet to find that special one to share my life with , I am presently in UK(England ),is not just a visit ,am here on business trip, am here to buy gold, sculptures and some paintings , it is cheaper down here compared to other part fo the world, I inherit this business from my late parents , it has been an interesting business. My goals and dreams are to live a good life, and maybe meet someone that believes in unconditional love. I've got a great sense of humor, I am more conservative politically than liberal...I work hard, and know how to have fun.. About my family its a long story to tell and touching that make me share tears whenever i remembered the past. I will keep this short, i came out from a good combination of two, my Mom is from UK while Dad is a American. I am the one and only child of my parent, i will count it ,I have a big Family because i dont know much about my Moms family in the UK while my Dads part is very small...Unfortunately i lost my parent same day, same time, same moment by a car accident, this happened about 8years ago, since then i have started to live my life by myself and not depending on my family, although i still miss my Mom because of the courage and advises she use to give to me about life , but i am glad i am whom i am today. This make me remember when my late parent were alive my Dads Cousin do come to us in Florida for a visit but after the final burial of my parent, they decided to raise me some fund to stand on my own then left me to continue with my life carrier until i come to them with my future Husband for a special introduction....I will count my family to be one of the royal family because when my mom and dad where alive they do treat each other in a manner of my King and my Queen , while i am the Princess.
Lilian
I took my joke about being retarded a little farther. That gets me thinking, I wonder if these sites allow retarded people to make a profile?
Hello Lillian!
I am Dan the retard again! I only deal with that goggle guy online, the parents warn me not to talk on a stranger anymore, especially when they are in chat room and ask me to sit on their lap. Or they invite me to choke on their chicken, but it is always after I have already had lunch! Oh well, can’t blame them for not knowing though. I do finger paintings a lot, and have gold coins with chocolate in them! I do not do business, I am not smart, I just want to live. I eat preservatives on sandwiches with peanut butter, and I use both liberally! I had to goggle the word liberal to understand it, but I got it.
I hardly work, other than cleaning my room, but I always have fun! I do not share tears, I only cry when I fall off my training bike. I’ve learned to wear a helmet though. I watch bat man, same bat time, same bat channel, every bat day! How did you lose your parent in accident? They should be easy to find if the accident just happened, they are right there! No, wait, it was 8 years, I guess they could get lost. Did they just not start looking for them right away after the accident?
It is rumored I am a bad combination of three, dad says uncle might be my daddy. So when people ask me, “who’s your daddy?” I tell them I’m not sure.
I am lost now-why they did buried your parents if they were simply lost? Isn’t there laws against burying someone alive? And why are you emailing me if you already have a future husband? My brain is royally scrambled right now. Time for my coloring book!
Dan
Lisa.............Part III
This one is so obviously a scammer ,and I think it helps prove correct the idea that some of these are generated from a computer program. Her series of questions is almost identical to the questions form another scammer that i'm also currently writing to. Isn't that sad? Somewhere out there...well, nevermind the somewhere out there part, somewhere in Nigeria, one of these scammers developed a program where they send us poor, single, lonely, desperate, gullible men a series of emails where they try to reel us in & get us to send them money!
I wonder if they sell this program in stores in Nigeria, with instructions on how to use it? Maybe it's part of the "For Dummies" series? Something like "Rich American Romance Scam For Dummies". Maybe I should develop a program like this myself? Not to actually use, just as a spoof to show how easily it's done. Just steal some hot chick's pictures from a photo webpage, and start writing in broken English. I bet alot of us could do that!
Oh wait, that would go against the whole purpose for this page. We now return to our regularly scheduled scrambled English.
This should be a pretty screwed up series if I can keep her writing, i'm writing in broken English and trying to use hip-hop lingo, which can be difficult for a 34 year old guy that's not very into hip-hop. Let me know how I did, i'm sure I pissed somebody off :)
Hello
How are you doing today, Thanks I am so pleased to read your reply, it has warm my heart and I am hoping to get to always hear from you. I hope this will take us to the next level and we could build a relationship that will last forever. Distance between us does not bother me as I know we could meet, I liked your profile and all I read about it was awesome, it will be my pleasure to get to know more about you....I just want you to know that am new to this online dating and am not here for game i seek for the man that will have my time the man that is ready to make things come true also the man that is ready to settle down because I don’t want who will waste my time after having him all my time and heart because have been hurt so many times. If thing work out am ready to come back to show how real and serious I am. I have my passport and visa to come back any time . What do you do for work?
What are the basic qualities you seek for in a lady?
what sort of relationship are you looking for?
What interests you?
You ever been married?
What is your best color?
what is your best food?
What do you do for fun?
What's being single like?
How do you treat your lady?
Why do you need a lady?
Can you love this lady?
What is love to you?
Would you hit your lady for any reasons?
I'll hopefully want to know what your consent is about these questions. I want to get to know you and meet you. Let see if you are the man that i will call my darling
I wonder where in my profile she read about it was awesome?
Hello Lisa,
I am well to do, and how you? I am sorry for slowness to reply, but I am pimpin’ dem hoes yo. I stay very, very busy, and while on tha subject, I can’t wait to git wit choo. Distance ain’t no thang to me either, as long as you close enough to hit it, do you know what I am saying? I’m not hear 4 games eitha, I’m just here to hit it n’run. I don’t have a password, but I could make on if you need it?
As for tha questions:
I’m unemployed. Lookin’ fo’ big ass boo-tay, just lookin’ to hit it, hook-up, you know what i’m sayin’? I like weed, loud bass, thumpin’ cars, rims, whering clothes 10 sizes too big for me so my pants fall down to my ankles, wearing big ass fake bling so I look cooler. I ain’t never gittin’ married, I love blue, hate red, I like being stoned. Bein’ single ain’t so bad-I can hit it wit’ all kinda bitches, ya no what I’m sayin’?
As far as da ladies go, it’s cool if they stay after I hit it, I’ll even cook breakfast in the mornin’, but after that, they gotta bounce. I used all kinda consonants in this , so that’s covered. Peace.
Dan
I wonder if they sell this program in stores in Nigeria, with instructions on how to use it? Maybe it's part of the "For Dummies" series? Something like "Rich American Romance Scam For Dummies". Maybe I should develop a program like this myself? Not to actually use, just as a spoof to show how easily it's done. Just steal some hot chick's pictures from a photo webpage, and start writing in broken English. I bet alot of us could do that!
Oh wait, that would go against the whole purpose for this page. We now return to our regularly scheduled scrambled English.
This should be a pretty screwed up series if I can keep her writing, i'm writing in broken English and trying to use hip-hop lingo, which can be difficult for a 34 year old guy that's not very into hip-hop. Let me know how I did, i'm sure I pissed somebody off :)
Hello
How are you doing today, Thanks I am so pleased to read your reply, it has warm my heart and I am hoping to get to always hear from you. I hope this will take us to the next level and we could build a relationship that will last forever. Distance between us does not bother me as I know we could meet, I liked your profile and all I read about it was awesome, it will be my pleasure to get to know more about you....I just want you to know that am new to this online dating and am not here for game i seek for the man that will have my time the man that is ready to make things come true also the man that is ready to settle down because I don’t want who will waste my time after having him all my time and heart because have been hurt so many times. If thing work out am ready to come back to show how real and serious I am. I have my passport and visa to come back any time . What do you do for work?
What are the basic qualities you seek for in a lady?
what sort of relationship are you looking for?
What interests you?
You ever been married?
What is your best color?
what is your best food?
What do you do for fun?
What's being single like?
How do you treat your lady?
Why do you need a lady?
Can you love this lady?
What is love to you?
Would you hit your lady for any reasons?
I'll hopefully want to know what your consent is about these questions. I want to get to know you and meet you. Let see if you are the man that i will call my darling
I wonder where in my profile she read about it was awesome?
Hello Lisa,
I am well to do, and how you? I am sorry for slowness to reply, but I am pimpin’ dem hoes yo. I stay very, very busy, and while on tha subject, I can’t wait to git wit choo. Distance ain’t no thang to me either, as long as you close enough to hit it, do you know what I am saying? I’m not hear 4 games eitha, I’m just here to hit it n’run. I don’t have a password, but I could make on if you need it?
As for tha questions:
I’m unemployed. Lookin’ fo’ big ass boo-tay, just lookin’ to hit it, hook-up, you know what i’m sayin’? I like weed, loud bass, thumpin’ cars, rims, whering clothes 10 sizes too big for me so my pants fall down to my ankles, wearing big ass fake bling so I look cooler. I ain’t never gittin’ married, I love blue, hate red, I like being stoned. Bein’ single ain’t so bad-I can hit it wit’ all kinda bitches, ya no what I’m sayin’?
As far as da ladies go, it’s cool if they stay after I hit it, I’ll even cook breakfast in the mornin’, but after that, they gotta bounce. I used all kinda consonants in this , so that’s covered. Peace.
Dan
Up a Certain Creek, parts 1-9
I was just going to post the first one in this series, but i knew it would cause alot of laughs, so I just entered all 9 entries here. I'm not doing that with all of them, otherwise the book won't sell if everyone has read the whole thing online.....
We have another winner! I just keep crossing lines acting like they don't exist or that I don't see them!
Dan I do not know how to explain it, but I am glad to receive your letter. I am glad, that you have answered me. When I was on work and at home I all time thought, you will write to me or not. And you have written. I am happy, to receive your letter. Dan I to look yours profile, and it has liked me, and I have solved with you will get acquainted. And me have told, that we approach one another. But I think, that we should learn it.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. To me 29 years and name me Ekaterina. I live in small village Medvedevo I was not married, and to not have children. I live with mum. The father has died on war. I do not wish to recollect about it. I work the masseur in local hospital. I have finished college and I am able to make all kinds massage. And everyone speak, that at me well it turns out. I do not know what to tell to you about myself.
What you interests? I love cinema, dances. To not smoke, to not drink alcohol. All that to me needs for life to be had I, but I do not have beloved and consequently I have decided to get acquainted with you. Dan you can tell to me, what you search in women? Tell to me. I very much would wish to learn it. What character, what appearance? What should she be able to make? Dan I shall be, is glad to receive your letter tomorrow, and I hope, that you will write to me. I shall answer sincerely all your questions, and I hope, that you as will answer mine. I already wait for your letter.... Ekaterina
That is so awesome that my profile liked her!
Ekaterina,
A thank at you again for my answer! While unemployed sitting in it the van, I wondered, "will she reply?" And you have replied! I am happiness my profile liked you, and wishes to get acquainted with you. I will learn it your person!
So, enough about you, more learn it me. To me of 34 years, and name it Dan. I live it in a small village Denver of 5 million persons. I was not in front of the wife, and me to not have children. I was accidental when the youth and had my balls cut off. I live in a van down by the river. I use laptop found during dumpster diving, and use signal of superstore for an internet.
I stand on street corner and hold sign saying “please help” so persons donate it to me the money. This gives me fund for have consume it the alcohol on a regular basis. I do not do this while it is at work, however, I must control myself on a professional basis.
So I read it you give massage at hospital, do you give massage with happy ending? I see you say you give all kind massage! At me well it would turn out on receipt of a massage you! On a drink, I do it nightly so not make feeling the cold of the van. I have nothing in the life but now I have you! I will drive it the automobile to Russia if necessary! I will receive a DUI if necessary, and drive it to a barge which will transport me to Russia. At most urgent to me is find a barge which will take it to Russia. I shall start my driving immediately after finishing my forty.
Love,
Dan
Up a Certain Creek, Part II
Okay, so quick catch up since there's 6 ongoing-I told this one i'm drunk driving cross country, and that i'm already in Kentucky! The pressure in my head is building up though, and i'm out of one of my pills for now, so I might not be able to finish all of these tonight.
Hello Dan, I hope that your day is fine also you now feel well. I am very glad to receive your letter. At me so it is a lot of questions to you, but I am afraid, that you likely will be frightened, if I shall ask all. Yes? Or not? Tell to me Dan. You are very interesting to me also I wish to learn you better. I wish to know about you everything before we shall meet. When I learn about you all and I shall be assured of you I would shall make all that we have met. I do not hide, that gets acquainted for serious relations, and I do not wish to play in any games. Therefore I ask you to answer sincerely my questions, and I hope, that you will answer, as well as I am sincere.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. I do not know, whether you can define a figure on a photo. My growth 5 ' 9? Weight nearby 60 kg. A breast, a waist, a hip accordingly 89-63-90. I would like to know very much about you, about in what you like to be engaged of what you dream? That does not suffice you in your life? I love, cleanliness and the order, I love cooking, and it is pleasant to me, when people are happy. I hope that I shall receive many your photos also. Dan you are fast to me them will send? I shall wait for them with impatience. I wait.... Very
much..... Ekaterina.
I am fast to her them will send! Receipt them to her immediately upon my sending!
Ekaterina!!!
Call it me lucky that this supercenter has wireless connection of a parking lot! I have traveled much since it is written last. I am drunk in a supercenter parking lot, I cannot make it move a van. I have made it a miracle to drive Kentucky, I call it a miracle because I am not a memory of driving! But, I am here, so I continue quest to get to coast, find barge, and drive it to Russia!
I will not be frightened, I am drunk, ask all and I will answer with an honesty. If you wish to learn me better, you can learn me all you want! I do not play in games, only drinking contests, which don’t count because I win the every time! One problem it is I never remember the next day. I also like reindeer games, but Rudolph is not letting me play, even at Christmas time. I like weight nearby, especially a breast, a waist, and a hip. You are absolutely perfect! I might have ruined your pictures though….no, never mind, I just had to clean the monitor.
I like to engage with many women at once, and they do not suffer in my dreams. I also happy to see you like cooking, you will make me happy! I don’t have a camera in the van, but I could buy a disposable one at the super center when I am sober? Can I just mail it to you? I gotta go pass out now, all this spell checking while drinking is making my tired. I will come to you on it a barge!
Love, Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part III
This is gonna be quick, but fun! This one's turning into the Svetlana type-email me everyday & get paranoid if I don't reply back as much as she does. So, this one will be short, but i'll try to keep it fun :)
At me on eyes of tear. I wished to receive your letter, but it is not present. And I wished to inform you fine news. I saw yesterday a fine dream in which we were together. I wished to tell to you. But you could not write. And me it is sad, I understand, that you have not had time to write to me and that will leave to write soon, but I any more will not be in the Internet of cafe. I wait for your letter. And what to you dreamed? Tell to me?
Ekaterina.
I to her apologies should have made send, since caused by me on her eyes of tear.
EKATERINA!!!
I could’ve sworn I replied back already today, I’m so sorry! Maybe I thought more than I drink I did? I should probably pass out, but I’ve got one more email.
I’m sorry you’re not in the internet of a café anymore! On you should not be eyes of tear, I’ll try to make more written when sober. So, maybe I should’ve done of those New Year’s revolutions? I’m in Kentucky, I’ll be there soon.
O.K., pass out time...
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part IV
...And here's her letter from today, i'm sure i'll see another tomorrow.
Hello my friend.....
Today I am afflicted by that I have not seen your reciprocal
letter.... I hoped that we can communicate with you, but you at all
have not written to me..... I will wait all the same from you for the
answer....
Yours Ekaterina
Obviously by now you can tell this was one of the persistent scammers that e-mailed every day. I’m guessing this is probably an amateur that didn’t have that many to e-mail, so they had all the time in the world to write.
Hello again Ekaterina,
I am sorry you have not seen my refractor, I swear this feels like the third time i've written today! I will put the bottle down & sleep so I can figure all out well on a morning.
DID I TELL YOU I'M IN KENTUCKY? HOLY SHIT!!!I DRIVE FAST WHEN I'M DRUNK! WHAT DAY IS IT?
LOVE DAN
Up A Certain Creek, Part V
If I had even the slightest suspicion that this woman was real, i'd feel sorry for her. She's got a guy that lives in his van drunk driving across America to get to a barge & come to her country & mooch off her! Sounds like the man of her dreams apparently!
Dan, I today worked also my hands very much weariness much. I weigh day made massage. And how you? Dan as your mood? I hope that well. I wish to learn more about you and today I wish to learn about your family, about your relatives. At you it is a lot of relatives? I live with mum in one apartment. At us only different rooms. At me to have the grandmother and the grandfather. They live in 50 kilometers from us in small village. Dan my grandmother a name Nina, grandfathers a name Marina. I earlier often was at the grandmother. I much to that have learned at it. To prepare for various dishes, to watch itself. My grandmother was my tutor, and it brought up me. Mum worked also I much tried to study, that all would be good in our family.
Dan I do not know why, but I cannot meet good the man in the country. I do not know why, but all the man, which normal are already married. I do not wish to marry the man which I do not love. Which is not pleasant to me. Dan I do not love quarrel, conflicts, loud music. I wish to be with the man which will be me, to understand, which I shall understand. With which to us it will be good also we shall enjoy our happiness. It is not necessary for me, kisses, embraces, tenderness and passion of the beloved, here much that is necessary for me for happiness. And you Dan???? Sincerely, Expecting your following letter Ekaterina.
I can’t even imagine anyone living in fifty kilometers, her grandparents must be rich!
Ekaterina!!!!!
I don’t know what the hell happened, I was driving northeast and somehow went from Kentucky to Missississippi! I got one of those under the limit, over the influence tickets. I can’t believe that cop gave it to me, I can’t wait to see them in concert! All I had to do to get the ticket was drive drunk! I should do that more often, I need to see more concerts! I don’t get why they’re having the concert at such an odd time though, it’s like 9 a.m. on a Tuesday, and at a courthouse! I guess some of those judges really like to rock!
As for all that stuff you said, I like squirrels, I get along well with convicts, and I love loud music! Well, I guess after this concert thing I’ll get back to driving to the coast & arrive on a Russia if I find a barge!
Buuuurrrrp,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VI
This is the one that emails me obsessively, so there's three emails for every one the others send :) I guess she really wants a guy that lives in a van and drinks all the time. Guys like that must be hard to find where she lives?
My lovely and gentle Dan. Today at us very good weather. And I in
fine mood have gone to the cafe Internet to receive from you my
darling the letter. But my mood has fallen when I have not found yours the letter. I would be very happy if have read your letter. But I was not strongly afflicted.
Understanding that you had a week-end and you possibly well spent time in a circle of a family or with friends. But I hope that tomorrow you can give not a lot of time and for me. And to please me with your warm and gentle letter. Which will bring to me a smile. I with impatience will wait from you my darling of the letter.
Your love for a century Ekaterina.
At least this time on her was not eyes of tear.
Ekaterina!!!!
The wireless connection at this parking lot is actually stable today! It has been a difficulty lately, wireless on old laptop in snowstorm! Wishing that when you go to café internet your mood will not be fallen, like me after 21 beers.
Weekend makes it not a difference, I drink every day! I spent time in a cell because of walking in circle instead of a straight line, but they gave ticket for concert-DUI! I will reward your patience with two smiles J J Is your happiness now? Your love for three centuries, plus twenty-six days,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VII
I might have gone too far with the country music joke :) Oh well, it's not like i've never taken a joke too far.
At you today it was not visible time to write the message for me, Icertainly am not angry with you, but I would like as it is possible to see is more often from you the answer. Understand a life to us it is given for this purpose what to study and learn the world in which we live. Really you cannot find time what to write to me to write the most important thing, what you think of my previous letter? I write to you every day even in day off, understand my gravity to relations with you. If to me not when could not write to you tomorrow or what or numbers I notify you on it. There is no time write to me of what number you write to me, but only for earlier, I do not love when me leave one in loneliness. I would like to love and be lovely, I do not wish to remain one. Imagine, what about you have forgotten to you it would be pleasant or not? Therefore write, and if cannot, I ask you let to me about it know at least in the short message...
Yours Ekaterina
At least she’s starting to figure out that time can be invisible sometimes.
Ekaterina!!!
Time has turned invisible, I can write again! As long as I have connection, I will send the answer! I’m not drunk yet, so my gravity is still related to me. To me is not known when tomorrow or numbers or gravity is not notified.
I too would like to love and be lonely, even if they cloned me! I guess I would like to be two, or three even? Imagine there’s no country music. No rednecks singing about their dog stealing the truck and running off with their wife.
Yours in a constant state of inebriation,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VIII
These short ones aren't as fun, but I leave no email unanswered!
Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel heat of your words to me.....
Why you cannot write to me? I understand that you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines about that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.
I can only imagine how funny this series would’ve gotten if I hadn’t been writing so many of them at once. I don’t think I’ll ever write to six of them at the same time again.
Hello again Ekaterina!!!
I am apologies for you affliction, for not the receipt. I am to drink now & can write more. Creativity mine abundance when drink, and on it I write! Do not worry about work, I do not work, so it is not occupy me! I will continue drive to Russia after concert, but I have to wait here until then.
I am not impatient, do you have to hear from me with impatience?
Love to drink,
Dan
Up a Certain Creek, Part IX: The Return of Ekaterina's Drunk Bum
I know i've got others to reply to, but i've gotta try to reel this one back in since the series was so funny! She stopped replying after my last reply saying I had tickets for a concert to see DUI thanks to a nice police officer. So now we can get her thinking she's got a crazy drunken bum chasing her from halfway across America again. That's right folks, nothing spells victory against scammers better than a drunk bum that has nothing to offer them. can I send her my pocket lint through some sort of wire transfer? Or would that be lint transfer?
Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted Not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel Heat of your words to me..... Why you cannot write to me? I understand That you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines About that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.
She must not have felt the heat of my words soon enough, since this was the last of her e-mails.
Ekaterina!!! Feel the heat of my words again baby!! I am back, but I don't know where I am! The concert at 9am at the courthouse turned out to be a court summons because they charged me with drunk driving! I don't see what's so wrong with driving drunk halfway across the country and doing a bag of shrooms while chasing the love of my life. Well O.K., maybe it was a little scary when those damn lampposts started coming down and attacking me during the snowstorm. Other than that, I was fine! So my case got thrown out on a technicality and now I will make return to driving across country to you as soon as I figure out where I am. I drank alot and have no clue where I am or which way to go. BUT I LOVE YOU AND WILL BE WITH YOU FOREVER!!!!
your drunk Dan.
We have another winner! I just keep crossing lines acting like they don't exist or that I don't see them!
Dan I do not know how to explain it, but I am glad to receive your letter. I am glad, that you have answered me. When I was on work and at home I all time thought, you will write to me or not. And you have written. I am happy, to receive your letter. Dan I to look yours profile, and it has liked me, and I have solved with you will get acquainted. And me have told, that we approach one another. But I think, that we should learn it.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. To me 29 years and name me Ekaterina. I live in small village Medvedevo I was not married, and to not have children. I live with mum. The father has died on war. I do not wish to recollect about it. I work the masseur in local hospital. I have finished college and I am able to make all kinds massage. And everyone speak, that at me well it turns out. I do not know what to tell to you about myself.
What you interests? I love cinema, dances. To not smoke, to not drink alcohol. All that to me needs for life to be had I, but I do not have beloved and consequently I have decided to get acquainted with you. Dan you can tell to me, what you search in women? Tell to me. I very much would wish to learn it. What character, what appearance? What should she be able to make? Dan I shall be, is glad to receive your letter tomorrow, and I hope, that you will write to me. I shall answer sincerely all your questions, and I hope, that you as will answer mine. I already wait for your letter.... Ekaterina
That is so awesome that my profile liked her!
Ekaterina,
A thank at you again for my answer! While unemployed sitting in it the van, I wondered, "will she reply?" And you have replied! I am happiness my profile liked you, and wishes to get acquainted with you. I will learn it your person!
So, enough about you, more learn it me. To me of 34 years, and name it Dan. I live it in a small village Denver of 5 million persons. I was not in front of the wife, and me to not have children. I was accidental when the youth and had my balls cut off. I live in a van down by the river. I use laptop found during dumpster diving, and use signal of superstore for an internet.
I stand on street corner and hold sign saying “please help” so persons donate it to me the money. This gives me fund for have consume it the alcohol on a regular basis. I do not do this while it is at work, however, I must control myself on a professional basis.
So I read it you give massage at hospital, do you give massage with happy ending? I see you say you give all kind massage! At me well it would turn out on receipt of a massage you! On a drink, I do it nightly so not make feeling the cold of the van. I have nothing in the life but now I have you! I will drive it the automobile to Russia if necessary! I will receive a DUI if necessary, and drive it to a barge which will transport me to Russia. At most urgent to me is find a barge which will take it to Russia. I shall start my driving immediately after finishing my forty.
Love,
Dan
Up a Certain Creek, Part II
Okay, so quick catch up since there's 6 ongoing-I told this one i'm drunk driving cross country, and that i'm already in Kentucky! The pressure in my head is building up though, and i'm out of one of my pills for now, so I might not be able to finish all of these tonight.
Hello Dan, I hope that your day is fine also you now feel well. I am very glad to receive your letter. At me so it is a lot of questions to you, but I am afraid, that you likely will be frightened, if I shall ask all. Yes? Or not? Tell to me Dan. You are very interesting to me also I wish to learn you better. I wish to know about you everything before we shall meet. When I learn about you all and I shall be assured of you I would shall make all that we have met. I do not hide, that gets acquainted for serious relations, and I do not wish to play in any games. Therefore I ask you to answer sincerely my questions, and I hope, that you will answer, as well as I am sincere.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. I do not know, whether you can define a figure on a photo. My growth 5 ' 9? Weight nearby 60 kg. A breast, a waist, a hip accordingly 89-63-90. I would like to know very much about you, about in what you like to be engaged of what you dream? That does not suffice you in your life? I love, cleanliness and the order, I love cooking, and it is pleasant to me, when people are happy. I hope that I shall receive many your photos also. Dan you are fast to me them will send? I shall wait for them with impatience. I wait.... Very
much..... Ekaterina.
I am fast to her them will send! Receipt them to her immediately upon my sending!
Ekaterina!!!
Call it me lucky that this supercenter has wireless connection of a parking lot! I have traveled much since it is written last. I am drunk in a supercenter parking lot, I cannot make it move a van. I have made it a miracle to drive Kentucky, I call it a miracle because I am not a memory of driving! But, I am here, so I continue quest to get to coast, find barge, and drive it to Russia!
I will not be frightened, I am drunk, ask all and I will answer with an honesty. If you wish to learn me better, you can learn me all you want! I do not play in games, only drinking contests, which don’t count because I win the every time! One problem it is I never remember the next day. I also like reindeer games, but Rudolph is not letting me play, even at Christmas time. I like weight nearby, especially a breast, a waist, and a hip. You are absolutely perfect! I might have ruined your pictures though….no, never mind, I just had to clean the monitor.
I like to engage with many women at once, and they do not suffer in my dreams. I also happy to see you like cooking, you will make me happy! I don’t have a camera in the van, but I could buy a disposable one at the super center when I am sober? Can I just mail it to you? I gotta go pass out now, all this spell checking while drinking is making my tired. I will come to you on it a barge!
Love, Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part III
This is gonna be quick, but fun! This one's turning into the Svetlana type-email me everyday & get paranoid if I don't reply back as much as she does. So, this one will be short, but i'll try to keep it fun :)
At me on eyes of tear. I wished to receive your letter, but it is not present. And I wished to inform you fine news. I saw yesterday a fine dream in which we were together. I wished to tell to you. But you could not write. And me it is sad, I understand, that you have not had time to write to me and that will leave to write soon, but I any more will not be in the Internet of cafe. I wait for your letter. And what to you dreamed? Tell to me?
Ekaterina.
I to her apologies should have made send, since caused by me on her eyes of tear.
EKATERINA!!!
I could’ve sworn I replied back already today, I’m so sorry! Maybe I thought more than I drink I did? I should probably pass out, but I’ve got one more email.
I’m sorry you’re not in the internet of a café anymore! On you should not be eyes of tear, I’ll try to make more written when sober. So, maybe I should’ve done of those New Year’s revolutions? I’m in Kentucky, I’ll be there soon.
O.K., pass out time...
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part IV
...And here's her letter from today, i'm sure i'll see another tomorrow.
Hello my friend.....
Today I am afflicted by that I have not seen your reciprocal
letter.... I hoped that we can communicate with you, but you at all
have not written to me..... I will wait all the same from you for the
answer....
Yours Ekaterina
Obviously by now you can tell this was one of the persistent scammers that e-mailed every day. I’m guessing this is probably an amateur that didn’t have that many to e-mail, so they had all the time in the world to write.
Hello again Ekaterina,
I am sorry you have not seen my refractor, I swear this feels like the third time i've written today! I will put the bottle down & sleep so I can figure all out well on a morning.
DID I TELL YOU I'M IN KENTUCKY? HOLY SHIT!!!I DRIVE FAST WHEN I'M DRUNK! WHAT DAY IS IT?
LOVE DAN
Up A Certain Creek, Part V
If I had even the slightest suspicion that this woman was real, i'd feel sorry for her. She's got a guy that lives in his van drunk driving across America to get to a barge & come to her country & mooch off her! Sounds like the man of her dreams apparently!
Dan, I today worked also my hands very much weariness much. I weigh day made massage. And how you? Dan as your mood? I hope that well. I wish to learn more about you and today I wish to learn about your family, about your relatives. At you it is a lot of relatives? I live with mum in one apartment. At us only different rooms. At me to have the grandmother and the grandfather. They live in 50 kilometers from us in small village. Dan my grandmother a name Nina, grandfathers a name Marina. I earlier often was at the grandmother. I much to that have learned at it. To prepare for various dishes, to watch itself. My grandmother was my tutor, and it brought up me. Mum worked also I much tried to study, that all would be good in our family.
Dan I do not know why, but I cannot meet good the man in the country. I do not know why, but all the man, which normal are already married. I do not wish to marry the man which I do not love. Which is not pleasant to me. Dan I do not love quarrel, conflicts, loud music. I wish to be with the man which will be me, to understand, which I shall understand. With which to us it will be good also we shall enjoy our happiness. It is not necessary for me, kisses, embraces, tenderness and passion of the beloved, here much that is necessary for me for happiness. And you Dan???? Sincerely, Expecting your following letter Ekaterina.
I can’t even imagine anyone living in fifty kilometers, her grandparents must be rich!
Ekaterina!!!!!
I don’t know what the hell happened, I was driving northeast and somehow went from Kentucky to Missississippi! I got one of those under the limit, over the influence tickets. I can’t believe that cop gave it to me, I can’t wait to see them in concert! All I had to do to get the ticket was drive drunk! I should do that more often, I need to see more concerts! I don’t get why they’re having the concert at such an odd time though, it’s like 9 a.m. on a Tuesday, and at a courthouse! I guess some of those judges really like to rock!
As for all that stuff you said, I like squirrels, I get along well with convicts, and I love loud music! Well, I guess after this concert thing I’ll get back to driving to the coast & arrive on a Russia if I find a barge!
Buuuurrrrp,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VI
This is the one that emails me obsessively, so there's three emails for every one the others send :) I guess she really wants a guy that lives in a van and drinks all the time. Guys like that must be hard to find where she lives?
My lovely and gentle Dan. Today at us very good weather. And I in
fine mood have gone to the cafe Internet to receive from you my
darling the letter. But my mood has fallen when I have not found yours the letter. I would be very happy if have read your letter. But I was not strongly afflicted.
Understanding that you had a week-end and you possibly well spent time in a circle of a family or with friends. But I hope that tomorrow you can give not a lot of time and for me. And to please me with your warm and gentle letter. Which will bring to me a smile. I with impatience will wait from you my darling of the letter.
Your love for a century Ekaterina.
At least this time on her was not eyes of tear.
Ekaterina!!!!
The wireless connection at this parking lot is actually stable today! It has been a difficulty lately, wireless on old laptop in snowstorm! Wishing that when you go to café internet your mood will not be fallen, like me after 21 beers.
Weekend makes it not a difference, I drink every day! I spent time in a cell because of walking in circle instead of a straight line, but they gave ticket for concert-DUI! I will reward your patience with two smiles J J Is your happiness now? Your love for three centuries, plus twenty-six days,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VII
I might have gone too far with the country music joke :) Oh well, it's not like i've never taken a joke too far.
At you today it was not visible time to write the message for me, Icertainly am not angry with you, but I would like as it is possible to see is more often from you the answer. Understand a life to us it is given for this purpose what to study and learn the world in which we live. Really you cannot find time what to write to me to write the most important thing, what you think of my previous letter? I write to you every day even in day off, understand my gravity to relations with you. If to me not when could not write to you tomorrow or what or numbers I notify you on it. There is no time write to me of what number you write to me, but only for earlier, I do not love when me leave one in loneliness. I would like to love and be lovely, I do not wish to remain one. Imagine, what about you have forgotten to you it would be pleasant or not? Therefore write, and if cannot, I ask you let to me about it know at least in the short message...
Yours Ekaterina
At least she’s starting to figure out that time can be invisible sometimes.
Ekaterina!!!
Time has turned invisible, I can write again! As long as I have connection, I will send the answer! I’m not drunk yet, so my gravity is still related to me. To me is not known when tomorrow or numbers or gravity is not notified.
I too would like to love and be lonely, even if they cloned me! I guess I would like to be two, or three even? Imagine there’s no country music. No rednecks singing about their dog stealing the truck and running off with their wife.
Yours in a constant state of inebriation,
Dan
Up A Certain Creek, Part VIII
These short ones aren't as fun, but I leave no email unanswered!
Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel heat of your words to me.....
Why you cannot write to me? I understand that you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines about that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.
I can only imagine how funny this series would’ve gotten if I hadn’t been writing so many of them at once. I don’t think I’ll ever write to six of them at the same time again.
Hello again Ekaterina!!!
I am apologies for you affliction, for not the receipt. I am to drink now & can write more. Creativity mine abundance when drink, and on it I write! Do not worry about work, I do not work, so it is not occupy me! I will continue drive to Russia after concert, but I have to wait here until then.
I am not impatient, do you have to hear from me with impatience?
Love to drink,
Dan
Up a Certain Creek, Part IX: The Return of Ekaterina's Drunk Bum
I know i've got others to reply to, but i've gotta try to reel this one back in since the series was so funny! She stopped replying after my last reply saying I had tickets for a concert to see DUI thanks to a nice police officer. So now we can get her thinking she's got a crazy drunken bum chasing her from halfway across America again. That's right folks, nothing spells victory against scammers better than a drunk bum that has nothing to offer them. can I send her my pocket lint through some sort of wire transfer? Or would that be lint transfer?
Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted Not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel Heat of your words to me..... Why you cannot write to me? I understand That you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines About that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.
She must not have felt the heat of my words soon enough, since this was the last of her e-mails.
Ekaterina!!! Feel the heat of my words again baby!! I am back, but I don't know where I am! The concert at 9am at the courthouse turned out to be a court summons because they charged me with drunk driving! I don't see what's so wrong with driving drunk halfway across the country and doing a bag of shrooms while chasing the love of my life. Well O.K., maybe it was a little scary when those damn lampposts started coming down and attacking me during the snowstorm. Other than that, I was fine! So my case got thrown out on a technicality and now I will make return to driving across country to you as soon as I figure out where I am. I drank alot and have no clue where I am or which way to go. BUT I LOVE YOU AND WILL BE WITH YOU FOREVER!!!!
your drunk Dan.
ESL Dating Diaries: I'm No Rocket Surgeon, Yet....Part I
...so my friend Craig sent me an e-mail he got from what appears to be a Nigerian scammer. I figured if I just reply back myself there's a good chance they'll recognize the e-mail address & we won't have a Part II. So, I convinced Craig to let me make him a character in this series! Now i'm thinking that volume III is going to have to be a series where the male character is someone besides me. I simply took the little bit of information I had-and made it entertaining enough (I hope) that she'll reply back to him. Craig will have to keep being the middle man for this to work, but this could be very funny if things go right!
Hiya, what's up? hope you're in the top of the world! I'm new on here and was just passing and stumble over your interesting profile, I'm sarah, single from denver in colorado. I happen to be easy going, like to cook, read, hang out with friend and family and looking for friend, soul mate and serious relationship in life with whom i can always share this nice life with and create a happy home, if thing's finally work out for us to meet in person, i really want to know you more better and develop more feeling's for you if you're not been choosen already, I'm always up for yahoo instant chat if you don't mind to me sometime's in your free time and here'is my E-mail; hope to read from you soon...
O.K., so since this was a new idea, having someone else operate as the middle man, I had to create a funny character out of my friend Craig. I took the little bit of information I had on his current situation, and twisted it around. I knew he had just moved to Alaska, he was going to college. I’m no rocket scientist, but I figured if we mixed two really prestigious, high paying jobs together for what he’s studying. This is how he became….A ROCKET SURGEON! Think about it-surgeons do well, rocket scientists do well, so what if we mix both together into one job?
Hello,
The sky is north. I am currently seated in front of the computer, but if I join NASA I could be located above the world! I’m Craig, single from Alaska but originally from Colorado. I am easy, going to college, study rocket surgery, I like my cook, I can read, I hang out with friend on a most regular basis, I write long sentences with lots of commas and very few periods or exclamation marks, I would like to get to know you more better if it is possible in spit of our distance since I have not been the choosen one yet, and my home is very happy now that I have moved to Alaska!
I hope that our distance does not make a bother to you? Please let me know if it is a problem, because I am perfectly happy chillin’ up here in Alaska! I must be returned to my studies, rocket surgery is complicated, but someone must be to learn it! By for now!
Craig
Hiya, what's up? hope you're in the top of the world! I'm new on here and was just passing and stumble over your interesting profile, I'm sarah, single from denver in colorado. I happen to be easy going, like to cook, read, hang out with friend and family and looking for friend, soul mate and serious relationship in life with whom i can always share this nice life with and create a happy home, if thing's finally work out for us to meet in person, i really want to know you more better and develop more feeling's for you if you're not been choosen already, I'm always up for yahoo instant chat if you don't mind to me sometime's in your free time and here'is my E-mail; hope to read from you soon...
O.K., so since this was a new idea, having someone else operate as the middle man, I had to create a funny character out of my friend Craig. I took the little bit of information I had on his current situation, and twisted it around. I knew he had just moved to Alaska, he was going to college. I’m no rocket scientist, but I figured if we mixed two really prestigious, high paying jobs together for what he’s studying. This is how he became….A ROCKET SURGEON! Think about it-surgeons do well, rocket scientists do well, so what if we mix both together into one job?
Hello,
The sky is north. I am currently seated in front of the computer, but if I join NASA I could be located above the world! I’m Craig, single from Alaska but originally from Colorado. I am easy, going to college, study rocket surgery, I like my cook, I can read, I hang out with friend on a most regular basis, I write long sentences with lots of commas and very few periods or exclamation marks, I would like to get to know you more better if it is possible in spit of our distance since I have not been the choosen one yet, and my home is very happy now that I have moved to Alaska!
I hope that our distance does not make a bother to you? Please let me know if it is a problem, because I am perfectly happy chillin’ up here in Alaska! I must be returned to my studies, rocket surgery is complicated, but someone must be to learn it! By for now!
Craig
By Radio Transfer Funky Music, Young Caucasian Male!
I knew I was destined to write something funny since i'm lacking sleep & just happened to spot this profile:
To talk about it about me. That to us it was not boring together. Understood one another with a floor of a word. I wish to find such person which understood me and was careful. I want will find the person which is devoted to me and did not change to me with other women. Did not say lies to me and spoke only openly in all sincerity. I wish to find the person with opened by feelings, which will not hide the feelings. Did not say lies to me and spoke only openly in all sincerity. I wish to find the person with opened by feelings, which will not hide the feelings. I wish to find the person who knows the purpose in a life and will aspire to it that it to carry out. To me it is necessary the man which is self-assured I shall a little tell about myself. At me blue eyes, the brunette. It is pleasant to me when in the man there is a kindness, honesty, respect. I do not understand those people which deceive the person. Or do so that only to it it was good. I to not bear when to me to say lies and itself never said lies and I am not going to deceive anybody in general. I like to listen to different music. Basically I to listen to radio. By radio transfer different music which is pleasant to me.
And suddenly, someone loudly declared, perform that music in a manner which would best be described as funky, young Caucasian male.
Wow, to talk about it you! Vision mine was blurred when witness viewing profile you, to see that which was to see! I am opened by feelings, and I repeat words of self only out of sincerity! I am opened by feelings and I repeat words of self only out of sincerity! This is not the alcohol talking either!
At me brown eyes, hair long like caveman, but without brontosaurus leg in hand! Gut me protrude like constant beer drinker, but I swear, it is just gas. I swear I am not a bear, I am person. I get transfer when I ride the bus. I play CD's. For music. I also play funky music, I am white boy. I play it right. I transfer the boogie & play it until breathe cannot anymore!
Please make first contact soon, the trial is almost over!
Dan (a.k.a Dat Funky Caucasian Male)
To talk about it about me. That to us it was not boring together. Understood one another with a floor of a word. I wish to find such person which understood me and was careful. I want will find the person which is devoted to me and did not change to me with other women. Did not say lies to me and spoke only openly in all sincerity. I wish to find the person with opened by feelings, which will not hide the feelings. Did not say lies to me and spoke only openly in all sincerity. I wish to find the person with opened by feelings, which will not hide the feelings. I wish to find the person who knows the purpose in a life and will aspire to it that it to carry out. To me it is necessary the man which is self-assured I shall a little tell about myself. At me blue eyes, the brunette. It is pleasant to me when in the man there is a kindness, honesty, respect. I do not understand those people which deceive the person. Or do so that only to it it was good. I to not bear when to me to say lies and itself never said lies and I am not going to deceive anybody in general. I like to listen to different music. Basically I to listen to radio. By radio transfer different music which is pleasant to me.
And suddenly, someone loudly declared, perform that music in a manner which would best be described as funky, young Caucasian male.
Wow, to talk about it you! Vision mine was blurred when witness viewing profile you, to see that which was to see! I am opened by feelings, and I repeat words of self only out of sincerity! I am opened by feelings and I repeat words of self only out of sincerity! This is not the alcohol talking either!
At me brown eyes, hair long like caveman, but without brontosaurus leg in hand! Gut me protrude like constant beer drinker, but I swear, it is just gas. I swear I am not a bear, I am person. I get transfer when I ride the bus. I play CD's. For music. I also play funky music, I am white boy. I play it right. I transfer the boogie & play it until breathe cannot anymore!
Please make first contact soon, the trial is almost over!
Dan (a.k.a Dat Funky Caucasian Male)
Positively Angelic, Chapter 1
I may be a little rusty, but I can still spot these just from reading their profiles. There's alot more where this one came from, but for starters, check out the profile from this one named Angel I found recently during a 7 day free trial:
Angel's profile
I search for the man with the positive attitude to a life. Having good sense of Humor with one quote in mind “KEEP SMILING". Following the motto of " Be Happy and make others Happy". Love to workout and I am very much adventurous. I'm honest , kind , caring , trustworthy , , I like to whach movies , football , . i would love to meet a Man that is simaler to what I listed . A man that would give me the time and day to be in his life. I can’t wait to meet my future husband soonest.
Im looking for a mature honest man, not looking for games, I am looking for a nice romantic man that is bold and confident of herself, a jovial type, an extrovert to be precise...someone that can change dull moments to happy ones , a kind somebody, caring, honest and trustworthy..someone i can lay my back on when i am tired and weak. I am looking for a down to earth person that has human feelings and believes the world is not his home just a farm to plough, an honest, caring and kind fellow that can defend himself when it comes to love and knows how to treat a Woman good. I can’t wait to meet my special man soonest.
I wish I had asked her what kind of taste she had in movies, maybe we whach the same movies?
Hello,
I am the positive man with the positive attitude to a life. I am absolutely positive about this. I have pleasant sense of humor, am amorous, rusty, I like to whack movies. I am similar to what I listed. Except that I have lots of acne, mainly on my back.
I do not play video games. I am bald, I act juvenile, and am extra-terrestrial. I can lay you on your back when you are tired and treat you very much good. My friends say I am very declined to the third rock from the sun. I am special, I went to special education classes in high school.
Please email me back at a most urgent soon and I will be capable of a reply.
Dan
Her reply:
Hi!!! My name is Tatyana. If you would like to get to know me better write to me in hope to receive from you news...
Angel's profile
I search for the man with the positive attitude to a life. Having good sense of Humor with one quote in mind “KEEP SMILING". Following the motto of " Be Happy and make others Happy". Love to workout and I am very much adventurous. I'm honest , kind , caring , trustworthy , , I like to whach movies , football , . i would love to meet a Man that is simaler to what I listed . A man that would give me the time and day to be in his life. I can’t wait to meet my future husband soonest.
Im looking for a mature honest man, not looking for games, I am looking for a nice romantic man that is bold and confident of herself, a jovial type, an extrovert to be precise...someone that can change dull moments to happy ones , a kind somebody, caring, honest and trustworthy..someone i can lay my back on when i am tired and weak. I am looking for a down to earth person that has human feelings and believes the world is not his home just a farm to plough, an honest, caring and kind fellow that can defend himself when it comes to love and knows how to treat a Woman good. I can’t wait to meet my special man soonest.
I wish I had asked her what kind of taste she had in movies, maybe we whach the same movies?
Hello,
I am the positive man with the positive attitude to a life. I am absolutely positive about this. I have pleasant sense of humor, am amorous, rusty, I like to whack movies. I am similar to what I listed. Except that I have lots of acne, mainly on my back.
I do not play video games. I am bald, I act juvenile, and am extra-terrestrial. I can lay you on your back when you are tired and treat you very much good. My friends say I am very declined to the third rock from the sun. I am special, I went to special education classes in high school.
Please email me back at a most urgent soon and I will be capable of a reply.
Dan
Her reply:
Hi!!! My name is Tatyana. If you would like to get to know me better write to me in hope to receive from you news...
I'm No Optometrist, Part 1
There's so many to write to that i'm afraid i'll get confused if I just number the titles like the old days, so now I have to come up with distinguishable, memorable titles, whether it's something she said, or something I said.
Also, one more new format change-i'm posting their "about me" sections from their profiles so you can all see how I spot these :)
Oksana's profile:
I am the lady who is really serious in her search. I am looking for the man who is willing to find his happiness. My friends say that I am an optimist who believes in miracles. I think that we should enjoy every day of our life, and personally I am ready to do everything for my man to become happy. If you want to get to know me better you can write me and I will be glad to answer you. I am cheerful and sociable person. I like communicating with people, a good company. I am very caring and tender,generous, caring and loving. I am a compassionate and emotional lady. I don’t like quarrels; I appreciate peace and harmony in relations. I keep to my promises and appreciate sincerity in people.
I am a sociable person, I easily find common language with people. My friends suppose me to be kind, optimistic and cheerful. I can say that I am a decent person.
My email:
Hello,
I am lovely and lonely too. I eat cereal in my search. I currently find happiness single-handedly. I am not an optometrist, I major in psychology. It would be miracle if your person arrived to me and made it happy. I am a cheerful sociopath who will be ex-communicated from church and run a company, I am careless and generic.
I do not own a compass. I like squirrels, I would like to get a piece of it. I have no social life and I speak only one language. I is good at the English! Friends say I am a decadent person.
Please reply with most rapid so I can email you again.
Dan
Also, one more new format change-i'm posting their "about me" sections from their profiles so you can all see how I spot these :)
Oksana's profile:
I am the lady who is really serious in her search. I am looking for the man who is willing to find his happiness. My friends say that I am an optimist who believes in miracles. I think that we should enjoy every day of our life, and personally I am ready to do everything for my man to become happy. If you want to get to know me better you can write me and I will be glad to answer you. I am cheerful and sociable person. I like communicating with people, a good company. I am very caring and tender,generous, caring and loving. I am a compassionate and emotional lady. I don’t like quarrels; I appreciate peace and harmony in relations. I keep to my promises and appreciate sincerity in people.
I am a sociable person, I easily find common language with people. My friends suppose me to be kind, optimistic and cheerful. I can say that I am a decent person.
My email:
Hello,
I am lovely and lonely too. I eat cereal in my search. I currently find happiness single-handedly. I am not an optometrist, I major in psychology. It would be miracle if your person arrived to me and made it happy. I am a cheerful sociopath who will be ex-communicated from church and run a company, I am careless and generic.
I do not own a compass. I like squirrels, I would like to get a piece of it. I have no social life and I speak only one language. I is good at the English! Friends say I am a decadent person.
Please reply with most rapid so I can email you again.
Dan
Russian fake profile sample
“I search for the man for relations”
I am a young, beautiful and active girl. I am even-tempered and willing to settle everything peacefully but sometimes if it’s needed can show my string will, insistence and be hardworking to achieve goals. I always do my best to be attentive and responsible towards people around me. I always ready to help my friends. I very much appreciate socializing with interesting and successful people. I’d like to meet an intelligent, successful, financially secure man without children, living in a big city who is able to make me follow him and can respect and value me as a person.
I am a young, beautiful and active girl. I am even-tempered and willing to settle everything peacefully but sometimes if it’s needed can show my string will, insistence and be hardworking to achieve goals. I always do my best to be attentive and responsible towards people around me. I always ready to help my friends. I very much appreciate socializing with interesting and successful people. I’d like to meet an intelligent, successful, financially secure man without children, living in a big city who is able to make me follow him and can respect and value me as a person.
How to spot scammers on dating sites
I already outlined in ESL #15 how they get men hooked, but these rules apply to pretty much everyone. For starters, to avoid getting ripped off:
1) Use common sense
If you're getting an email from someone who is out of your league in real life, why would you have a shot at them just because they're online flirting with you? For example, let's say you're a 47-year old male, slightly husky, and there's this drop dead gorgeous, 24 year old blonde who looks like she should be a bikini model emailing you. Can you really take her seriously? Even if it says somewhere in your profile that you make 150,000 a year, do you think she's gonna be after anything but money? Is it that hard for her to find an average looking 47-year old guy in her town?
I'd say that probably 90% of the time, by the second or third email, she'll be telling you that she actually lives in Russia or Nigeria. Everything will be going smoothly for awhile, she might even be telling you that she loves you after the second or third email.
Somewhere between the 8th and 12th email, she'll be discussing plans to go to a travel agency, but she won't make any mention of needing money-yet. About 2-3 emails later, she will email back, heartbroken, but still thinking it is possible to "arrive to you", and here's where the hook comes in:
Step 1-She gradually establishes that I am alone, lacking a significant other here. By using this information, she builds a perceived closeness with me through her emails.
Step 2-She assures me I AM A STRONG MAN, and can do anything to help her, because we will be together when "we" get her financial woes taken care of. She is playing on the first step by telling me how much she wants us to be together.
Step 3-She establishes that she needs my help, and that I can do it, since I am A STRONG MAN. She is playing on the typical male ego because she thinks it would be a blow to my self-esteem if I can't do it.
Step 4-This only happens after rejecting her money request. She will tell that she has already paid part of the travel costs, as much as half of the total sometimes. She'll try to pull a guilt trip by saying something like, "I can't get this money back, what do I do now?"
Now let's try to think about how believable this sounds. Hmm, how many places will accept partial payment to travel out of the country & then give you 6-7 days to pay the rest later otherwise you lose the huge chunk of money, like half the cost of the plane ticket? That just sounds way too unrealistic for me to buy into it.
Another thing to look into-some countries only let you do visa applications during certain times of the year. If they tell you they are from another country, do a little research and see if they have restrictions such as "only apply from August 1st to October 31st". If they tell you that their visa is pending when it's still months away from the date range for applying, you know they're just feeding you a bunch of crap.
Now, as for actually spotting their profiles-
Here's a funny example I spotted on a dating site last week. This woman's headline or quote or whatever you want to call it was "Easy as a breeze", and yet she was wondering why so many men email her only wanting to have sex with her. Hmm, I wonder why? I think it's because she didn't really know English well, and didn't realize what "easy as a breeze" would mean here! She'd have better luck finding a decent guy if her headline read "I can put both feet behind my head".
Their English comprehension should make alot of them a dead giveaway. For instance, one easy way to spot an email from Nigeria-they use the term cos instead of because. You'll notice that in any of my emails from Nigeria.
The ones from Russia are always the funniest though, with the exception of ESL's #25 & 26. In Russia, they have one word which translates into he, she or it. I had one that kept referring to her sick grandmother as "it". they'll refer to exchanges of affection as "transfers"; i've since made it a general rule that if the word transfer is in their profile, it's gotta be a scammer. They also refer to themselves as "my person", which sets up all sorts of jokes about threesomes (tell her to bring her person along as well when she flies out). Their backward sentence structure is just so entertaining though, it can be almost charming sometimes. When they turn the sunset into "the scarlet decline", or when they go to talk about themselves, they say something like, "To talk about it me".
The ones that are really busy sometimes have gender identity issues, i've had at least a couple of them that said things like, "I the very jealous man", or "I think that I the very romantic man".
Last, but certainly not least-I know i'm repeating myself, but USE COMMON SENSE! If they email you on the dating site and give you their email address, hmm...why would they need to give you their email address when they can just email you on the site? Because they can't ask for money on the dating site, it's totally against the rules, on every dating site i've been on! Sometimes they'll even get reported by other members and you'll see that you've gotten an email from someone who had their profile deleted. I would bet that 9 times out of 10 it's because they asked someone for money! Don't reply back to someone who gave you their personal email address. If you're a member on a dating site, you don't need their personal email, you can just use the site's email to keep it safe.
So, to summarize:
1) Use common sense. If it's too good to be true, it probably is.
2) Do not exchange personal information outside of the dating site.
3)If they want you to email them outside of the website, they probably want money.
4)If they can't speak English, what are the odds that they actually live in your town?
I know that last rule can be tricky in some places. For instance, in Denver there is a rather large Russian community, they even have a small independent newspaper for the neighborhood. One thing that would help in this case, since they probably do speak broken English, is to look at the age range they have listed for the men they're seeking. I saw a couple of them that were looking for men 30 to 80, and they were both supposedly in their 20's! Get real! How many hot 28 year olds are looking for an 80 year old guy? Isn't it obvious that they're only looking for money if they'll go after an 80 year old? Unless the woman's name is Anna Nicole Smith, an 80 year old isn't going to have a chance.
Well, I think i've pretty much covered all of the bases for now, but if I think of anything else to add here, I will update this post.
I've just noticed another little detail about the Nigerian scammers-they put the name of the city they live in IN ALL CAPS, like they really need to grab your attention when they tell you the name of the city they're in. What are they thinking? "He'll believe i'm in a city in the U.S. if I type in all caps!" Nice try though, i've caught on...
1) Use common sense
If you're getting an email from someone who is out of your league in real life, why would you have a shot at them just because they're online flirting with you? For example, let's say you're a 47-year old male, slightly husky, and there's this drop dead gorgeous, 24 year old blonde who looks like she should be a bikini model emailing you. Can you really take her seriously? Even if it says somewhere in your profile that you make 150,000 a year, do you think she's gonna be after anything but money? Is it that hard for her to find an average looking 47-year old guy in her town?
I'd say that probably 90% of the time, by the second or third email, she'll be telling you that she actually lives in Russia or Nigeria. Everything will be going smoothly for awhile, she might even be telling you that she loves you after the second or third email.
Somewhere between the 8th and 12th email, she'll be discussing plans to go to a travel agency, but she won't make any mention of needing money-yet. About 2-3 emails later, she will email back, heartbroken, but still thinking it is possible to "arrive to you", and here's where the hook comes in:
Step 1-She gradually establishes that I am alone, lacking a significant other here. By using this information, she builds a perceived closeness with me through her emails.
Step 2-She assures me I AM A STRONG MAN, and can do anything to help her, because we will be together when "we" get her financial woes taken care of. She is playing on the first step by telling me how much she wants us to be together.
Step 3-She establishes that she needs my help, and that I can do it, since I am A STRONG MAN. She is playing on the typical male ego because she thinks it would be a blow to my self-esteem if I can't do it.
Step 4-This only happens after rejecting her money request. She will tell that she has already paid part of the travel costs, as much as half of the total sometimes. She'll try to pull a guilt trip by saying something like, "I can't get this money back, what do I do now?"
Now let's try to think about how believable this sounds. Hmm, how many places will accept partial payment to travel out of the country & then give you 6-7 days to pay the rest later otherwise you lose the huge chunk of money, like half the cost of the plane ticket? That just sounds way too unrealistic for me to buy into it.
Another thing to look into-some countries only let you do visa applications during certain times of the year. If they tell you they are from another country, do a little research and see if they have restrictions such as "only apply from August 1st to October 31st". If they tell you that their visa is pending when it's still months away from the date range for applying, you know they're just feeding you a bunch of crap.
Now, as for actually spotting their profiles-
Here's a funny example I spotted on a dating site last week. This woman's headline or quote or whatever you want to call it was "Easy as a breeze", and yet she was wondering why so many men email her only wanting to have sex with her. Hmm, I wonder why? I think it's because she didn't really know English well, and didn't realize what "easy as a breeze" would mean here! She'd have better luck finding a decent guy if her headline read "I can put both feet behind my head".
Their English comprehension should make alot of them a dead giveaway. For instance, one easy way to spot an email from Nigeria-they use the term cos instead of because. You'll notice that in any of my emails from Nigeria.
The ones from Russia are always the funniest though, with the exception of ESL's #25 & 26. In Russia, they have one word which translates into he, she or it. I had one that kept referring to her sick grandmother as "it". they'll refer to exchanges of affection as "transfers"; i've since made it a general rule that if the word transfer is in their profile, it's gotta be a scammer. They also refer to themselves as "my person", which sets up all sorts of jokes about threesomes (tell her to bring her person along as well when she flies out). Their backward sentence structure is just so entertaining though, it can be almost charming sometimes. When they turn the sunset into "the scarlet decline", or when they go to talk about themselves, they say something like, "To talk about it me".
The ones that are really busy sometimes have gender identity issues, i've had at least a couple of them that said things like, "I the very jealous man", or "I think that I the very romantic man".
Last, but certainly not least-I know i'm repeating myself, but USE COMMON SENSE! If they email you on the dating site and give you their email address, hmm...why would they need to give you their email address when they can just email you on the site? Because they can't ask for money on the dating site, it's totally against the rules, on every dating site i've been on! Sometimes they'll even get reported by other members and you'll see that you've gotten an email from someone who had their profile deleted. I would bet that 9 times out of 10 it's because they asked someone for money! Don't reply back to someone who gave you their personal email address. If you're a member on a dating site, you don't need their personal email, you can just use the site's email to keep it safe.
So, to summarize:
1) Use common sense. If it's too good to be true, it probably is.
2) Do not exchange personal information outside of the dating site.
3)If they want you to email them outside of the website, they probably want money.
4)If they can't speak English, what are the odds that they actually live in your town?
I know that last rule can be tricky in some places. For instance, in Denver there is a rather large Russian community, they even have a small independent newspaper for the neighborhood. One thing that would help in this case, since they probably do speak broken English, is to look at the age range they have listed for the men they're seeking. I saw a couple of them that were looking for men 30 to 80, and they were both supposedly in their 20's! Get real! How many hot 28 year olds are looking for an 80 year old guy? Isn't it obvious that they're only looking for money if they'll go after an 80 year old? Unless the woman's name is Anna Nicole Smith, an 80 year old isn't going to have a chance.
Well, I think i've pretty much covered all of the bases for now, but if I think of anything else to add here, I will update this post.
I've just noticed another little detail about the Nigerian scammers-they put the name of the city they live in IN ALL CAPS, like they really need to grab your attention when they tell you the name of the city they're in. What are they thinking? "He'll believe i'm in a city in the U.S. if I type in all caps!" Nice try though, i've caught on...
ESL Dating Reply #111: I always lived under freedom slogan
Again I wait.....
Again I wait. I wait it is not known that. Sometimes I so am to be trusted in a miracle. I know: silly, fondly, but only so it is possible to rescue hope. Hope that all will be good that I am still necessary to you, at least slightly. To me it is difficult without you, native.
Very difficultly. Certainly, I understand, that to you all the same. To you it is absolutely indifferent, that somewhere away the enamored little girl wants only one: that about it recollected. At least sometimes.
So, by the way. My God, if though somebody knew, how I love you! I did not think, that so happens. I always lived under freedom slogan. Always.... There was no Yet you. While I have not understood, that the world without you is not meaningful.
At times I hate myself that is ready to throw and arrive all to you for ever. If you only have hinted. But you are silent. It is proud and is indifferent. I understand: probably, business in me. When you have understood, what I belong only to you? When to you it became uninteresting? It is wrong, to love too strongly. But in another way I am not able. Forgive me for it, favorite.
You know, it is unimportant, that waits for me ahead. Such love is not forgotten and does not pass. She will always live in me. You for ever will remain the unique person whom I loved, I love and I will love all life. Has no value, there will be we together or not. Simply I ask you, I beg: be happy. And if you are assured, that I cannot make you happy, find that which can. And I will tell to it thanks. Sincerely and in all sincerity, because for me there is nothing more expensively your smile. I am grateful to you that you have learnt me to love, blindly and recklessly.
Both let it painfully and tears me every second to slices, let sometimes I have a desire all to forget and to recollect never-never, the most important thing that gives me forces: you are live. We with you breathe same air, though and for hundreds kilometers from each other. We with you look in one and too the sky and we see the identical moon.
Allow me to believe that sometime we will look together at this moon, having joined hands. And
everything, that was, remains simply bad dream. I do not ask much, simply allow me to dream. Accept from me for memory my soul. As a souvenir. Put it on a shelf.
And if to you it becomes sad, look at it, at least for a moment. And this knickknack suddenly will tell: "All will be good, After all I love you". And you together will wink at stars. And all will be valid well. Because the present love is able to work wonders.
Svetlana
If this one is real, she better be pursuing a career as a poet.
And finally I reply. I write more good, but often speak by me that not know how I done went and did that. I do not trust miracles, sadly, I believe hope died five years ago in a tragic accident. I do still hope that I will view your person someday, not merely in the photograph, but person to person! Your person to my person! Not only personally written emails, and personally made to picture, but actually person to person!
To me it is wishes that it would have you here and it would be more the simple with co-pilot: to keep me from crashing when out of control. To maneuver the treacherous path life donated to my person without going over cliff. I recognize that to you, it would be made to be more simple if to written back from me received daily, but I am not possible to give you less than 100% of me!
On days some from the work I to go and return home feeling horrible, and easily it is not energy to do much of anything but sleep. So to make writings where I insert 100% of my heart and soul, it cannot be made to happen sometimes. Also, your God is my God too, I wish we could just get all these Gods to get along. I always lived in a van down by the river in my previous life. I was named Jewel. I was a folk singer, with long beautiful hair, I had a great set of hooters....sorry, I got sidetracked, where was I?
I too feel that a world with no Svetlana would have no definition! I often hate myself too, too easily because my self-destructive path is often too much so. I would thoroughly enjoy it if you were to arrive to me (hint hint!!!!). It is important to know that which lies ahead in our paths, it can prevent us from stepping in doggie doo!
I will admit it became uninteresting when the sex got boring, but you could fix that by sending more scantily clad photos of your person! I feel my inner demons will always live in me, but maybe you could help exercise them? Your person has been gifted with the ability to create in me the happy person, and I tell it thanks a thousand times for it! I was made to not trust it by the whores of the past, but you have restored it! I will now trust all whores I meet in the future, but only ones met through time machines!
Did you make witness the moon on Monday night? It was amazement! Venus and Jupiter were so close to the moon and so bright that it appeared like a smiley face in Asia! I wonder you made witness the same event? I will imagine that it witness was made us both, and you enjoyed it so, much as I did! I shall accept your soul as souvenir to put on a shelf. I must say you are so lucky I am not the devil : ) I shall think of your person when next witness the falling star....poor Britney; I am glad she's getting her life back together. Maybe someday we will too.
Love,
Dan
Again I wait. I wait it is not known that. Sometimes I so am to be trusted in a miracle. I know: silly, fondly, but only so it is possible to rescue hope. Hope that all will be good that I am still necessary to you, at least slightly. To me it is difficult without you, native.
Very difficultly. Certainly, I understand, that to you all the same. To you it is absolutely indifferent, that somewhere away the enamored little girl wants only one: that about it recollected. At least sometimes.
So, by the way. My God, if though somebody knew, how I love you! I did not think, that so happens. I always lived under freedom slogan. Always.... There was no Yet you. While I have not understood, that the world without you is not meaningful.
At times I hate myself that is ready to throw and arrive all to you for ever. If you only have hinted. But you are silent. It is proud and is indifferent. I understand: probably, business in me. When you have understood, what I belong only to you? When to you it became uninteresting? It is wrong, to love too strongly. But in another way I am not able. Forgive me for it, favorite.
You know, it is unimportant, that waits for me ahead. Such love is not forgotten and does not pass. She will always live in me. You for ever will remain the unique person whom I loved, I love and I will love all life. Has no value, there will be we together or not. Simply I ask you, I beg: be happy. And if you are assured, that I cannot make you happy, find that which can. And I will tell to it thanks. Sincerely and in all sincerity, because for me there is nothing more expensively your smile. I am grateful to you that you have learnt me to love, blindly and recklessly.
Both let it painfully and tears me every second to slices, let sometimes I have a desire all to forget and to recollect never-never, the most important thing that gives me forces: you are live. We with you breathe same air, though and for hundreds kilometers from each other. We with you look in one and too the sky and we see the identical moon.
Allow me to believe that sometime we will look together at this moon, having joined hands. And
everything, that was, remains simply bad dream. I do not ask much, simply allow me to dream. Accept from me for memory my soul. As a souvenir. Put it on a shelf.
And if to you it becomes sad, look at it, at least for a moment. And this knickknack suddenly will tell: "All will be good, After all I love you". And you together will wink at stars. And all will be valid well. Because the present love is able to work wonders.
Svetlana
If this one is real, she better be pursuing a career as a poet.
And finally I reply. I write more good, but often speak by me that not know how I done went and did that. I do not trust miracles, sadly, I believe hope died five years ago in a tragic accident. I do still hope that I will view your person someday, not merely in the photograph, but person to person! Your person to my person! Not only personally written emails, and personally made to picture, but actually person to person!
To me it is wishes that it would have you here and it would be more the simple with co-pilot: to keep me from crashing when out of control. To maneuver the treacherous path life donated to my person without going over cliff. I recognize that to you, it would be made to be more simple if to written back from me received daily, but I am not possible to give you less than 100% of me!
On days some from the work I to go and return home feeling horrible, and easily it is not energy to do much of anything but sleep. So to make writings where I insert 100% of my heart and soul, it cannot be made to happen sometimes. Also, your God is my God too, I wish we could just get all these Gods to get along. I always lived in a van down by the river in my previous life. I was named Jewel. I was a folk singer, with long beautiful hair, I had a great set of hooters....sorry, I got sidetracked, where was I?
I too feel that a world with no Svetlana would have no definition! I often hate myself too, too easily because my self-destructive path is often too much so. I would thoroughly enjoy it if you were to arrive to me (hint hint!!!!). It is important to know that which lies ahead in our paths, it can prevent us from stepping in doggie doo!
I will admit it became uninteresting when the sex got boring, but you could fix that by sending more scantily clad photos of your person! I feel my inner demons will always live in me, but maybe you could help exercise them? Your person has been gifted with the ability to create in me the happy person, and I tell it thanks a thousand times for it! I was made to not trust it by the whores of the past, but you have restored it! I will now trust all whores I meet in the future, but only ones met through time machines!
Did you make witness the moon on Monday night? It was amazement! Venus and Jupiter were so close to the moon and so bright that it appeared like a smiley face in Asia! I wonder you made witness the same event? I will imagine that it witness was made us both, and you enjoyed it so, much as I did! I shall accept your soul as souvenir to put on a shelf. I must say you are so lucky I am not the devil : ) I shall think of your person when next witness the falling star....poor Britney; I am glad she's getting her life back together. Maybe someday we will too.
Love,
Dan
ESL Dating Reply #75: Having a Quiche
Hello My Lovely Man And My Sun Dan!!!!!!!
Dan I think only of you and about that as it will be good us together. I very much would want that our life will be is fine. What you would want that I made when we shall be together? I think of you much. I want say to you about that as I present our usual day when we shall be together.
Dan, I think that it will begin from that as we shall wake up with you in one bed. I shall lay the head on your breast and you will embrace me the hand. I shall open eyes and I shall see you. I shall tender kiss you and you too will wake up and will answer my kisses, gentle and passionate. Then I shall stand from a bed, I shall be naked and I shall dress your shirt and I shall go to prepare on kitchen easy breakfast for us.
When I shall prepare for it you come for me behind and your embraces will warm me, you will kiss me all over again in an ear, then in a neck and your hands will caress my body, my breasts and my hips. But here the teapot will begin to boil and we shall have breakfast with you. Then we shall take a shower together. Dan, we shall be make love in a bath and only then we shall leave there from, we will have good mood and all day will be fine.
Then when you will come from work I shall meet you the gentle kiss. We with you shall make all together, in the evenings we shall sit on sofa near TV and to look good film, then together we shall go to a bedroom and we shall be make love yet weariness. If at whom that from us will be bad mood. That we shall try to change it. If you will long that I
would shall make all that you smiled and melancholy have disappeared from your eyes. I would shall make all that you always were happy and I hope that you too. I love you and my life belongs to you. Dan, how you imagine our usual day together? Or weekend? Or a holiday? I with impatience wait for your letter.
Yours and only your loving Svetlana
I tried to make as many "it almost looks like I am saying quickie" type of jokes in this one as I could because she was trying so hard to be seductive this time.
Hello my beautiful goddess and center of the universe which creates heat, thus generating the life force to sustain the planet Svetlana!!!!
Svetlana, although employment has been rather restraining on the time of mine, you still dominant of all thoughts created. When together we are I wish that would you create a wonderful spinach and cheese quiche, that would be so splendid! I nearly wish to now stop the typing & go make quiche myself, but I have not the spinach :(
When togetherness at last is achievement of us, I would create to you the breakfast in sleeping quarters. You would need not even transfer from pajamas, that is, if your person selects to even wear them, I won't :) However, you will probably be angered and call me a tease because I will
not engage in the sex that is premarital; maybe we could just achieve marriage at the airport when I receive you? This of course will depend on the cost of shipping and fondling, I only have $5.36 in the bank right now.
I view forward to having tea at your company, my favorite is green, what is your choice selection? When tea is completed, we will cuddle on the couch, throw in a cute & funny movie like Sleepless in Seattle & enjoyment such the good times.
I shall prepare nachos in microwave to consume as we witness the film, nachos & green tea go together such well! After film witnessing, I shall file your toe nails, and provide assistance in shaving and waxing your legs! I cannot wait to make viewing your legs in a dress, you will make a fine pedestrian!
I will also enjoy the view of you without the dress, maybe next time you send picture you without it? I might sprain my wrist, but it very much would be worth the pain. Well, I shall go answer your next email now, I am very much determination to answer all yours emails, and I am much backwards in replies. I look forward to next email you sent three weeks ago!
Good night or morning whatever it is in yours homeland,
very much love,
Dan
Dan I think only of you and about that as it will be good us together. I very much would want that our life will be is fine. What you would want that I made when we shall be together? I think of you much. I want say to you about that as I present our usual day when we shall be together.
Dan, I think that it will begin from that as we shall wake up with you in one bed. I shall lay the head on your breast and you will embrace me the hand. I shall open eyes and I shall see you. I shall tender kiss you and you too will wake up and will answer my kisses, gentle and passionate. Then I shall stand from a bed, I shall be naked and I shall dress your shirt and I shall go to prepare on kitchen easy breakfast for us.
When I shall prepare for it you come for me behind and your embraces will warm me, you will kiss me all over again in an ear, then in a neck and your hands will caress my body, my breasts and my hips. But here the teapot will begin to boil and we shall have breakfast with you. Then we shall take a shower together. Dan, we shall be make love in a bath and only then we shall leave there from, we will have good mood and all day will be fine.
Then when you will come from work I shall meet you the gentle kiss. We with you shall make all together, in the evenings we shall sit on sofa near TV and to look good film, then together we shall go to a bedroom and we shall be make love yet weariness. If at whom that from us will be bad mood. That we shall try to change it. If you will long that I
would shall make all that you smiled and melancholy have disappeared from your eyes. I would shall make all that you always were happy and I hope that you too. I love you and my life belongs to you. Dan, how you imagine our usual day together? Or weekend? Or a holiday? I with impatience wait for your letter.
Yours and only your loving Svetlana
I tried to make as many "it almost looks like I am saying quickie" type of jokes in this one as I could because she was trying so hard to be seductive this time.
Hello my beautiful goddess and center of the universe which creates heat, thus generating the life force to sustain the planet Svetlana!!!!
Svetlana, although employment has been rather restraining on the time of mine, you still dominant of all thoughts created. When together we are I wish that would you create a wonderful spinach and cheese quiche, that would be so splendid! I nearly wish to now stop the typing & go make quiche myself, but I have not the spinach :(
When togetherness at last is achievement of us, I would create to you the breakfast in sleeping quarters. You would need not even transfer from pajamas, that is, if your person selects to even wear them, I won't :) However, you will probably be angered and call me a tease because I will
not engage in the sex that is premarital; maybe we could just achieve marriage at the airport when I receive you? This of course will depend on the cost of shipping and fondling, I only have $5.36 in the bank right now.
I view forward to having tea at your company, my favorite is green, what is your choice selection? When tea is completed, we will cuddle on the couch, throw in a cute & funny movie like Sleepless in Seattle & enjoyment such the good times.
I shall prepare nachos in microwave to consume as we witness the film, nachos & green tea go together such well! After film witnessing, I shall file your toe nails, and provide assistance in shaving and waxing your legs! I cannot wait to make viewing your legs in a dress, you will make a fine pedestrian!
I will also enjoy the view of you without the dress, maybe next time you send picture you without it? I might sprain my wrist, but it very much would be worth the pain. Well, I shall go answer your next email now, I am very much determination to answer all yours emails, and I am much backwards in replies. I look forward to next email you sent three weeks ago!
Good night or morning whatever it is in yours homeland,
very much love,
Dan
ESL Dating Reply #64: Quite the poet becoming is her
Hello my love Dan! It is very pleasant to me to receive from you your gentle letter which gives me a life. Also heart which helps to fight to mine lives only for you
Dan My heart happily it is in a cradle of the most gentle hands, and it loves. Loves pure, light, not exacting love. It is not necessary for it of anything except for an opportunity to be near to favorite. And it, it is necessary for me … to be near to you Dan, to feel heat of your body, tenderness of your hands to feel your stupefying smell, to thaw in your embraces, to feel taste of your kisses.
I represent as we fall asleep and we wake up beside, I caress you Dan and I understand that to you pleasantly that I do. I dream as I relax in Your hands and with gratitude to accept that happiness which you Dan give me. « A life one. Also it would be desirable to live it so that it was not painfully sick for aimlessly lived years ».
Now I cannot present, how I could so long to live without you Dan?! And how to live in general without you? I have very strongly got used to you, to your letters which radiate pleasure and tenderness. Still never, before acquaintance to you, I could not feel heat and pleasure in a shower only that a beside and at that time very far is my angel, which can simply please my heart.
I would like to be pleased together with you Dan when at you all is good, to long, when something not It turns out to feel the necessary person in your life. You - most good, light, kind, that happens with me lately. No. Not so. Not lately, and in general in mine Lives. « The life is that happens with us while we plan on the future ». The love is omnipotent and boundless, its force does not depend on a season, an epoch, Technical progress …
Hearts meet - and the feeling, beautiful flashes, Deep and comprehensive so was and will be always … Favorite Dan if the Sun suddenly will cease to shine - you will warm me better it. If suddenly stars will hide for the Moon - you will manage to present me such romanticism, Which also did not dream them. If the Seas will spread and - we shall come up Oceans, because we TOGETHER.
If on the Earth does not remain drops of water - we shall get drunk Love Each other. Believe to me, Favorite, only with you Stars and Oceans smile to us the Sun.
And while we together, No elements will separate us. Because we with you - the strongest elements from all elements. I Love You! And for this reason I Love all around -
I see the Life, I feel it Warmly and Happiness. My sun, my gentle, I Love You! « I love you not for the one who you,
and for the one who I, when I with you ». What can I make, that it has not ended? I love you my darling Dan
Yours for a century Svetlana.
P.S. On it a photo, I am in a gulf of the local river Volga. There it is very interesting and beautiful.
So I have noticed that she is becoming a bit more poetic, which of course creates a bit of laughter when she uses the wrong word in something that sounds so beautiful; like a milk truck serving onion blossoms when the cows are milking the clock, as the wave of the future started yesterday. O.K., maybe not that nonsensical, but pretty close!
Hello repeated to Svetlana!
It is much pleasant to me to be recipient of letter you, I don't have a life either. Mine heart is in the possession of you, no purchase necessary!
However, contestants must be 18 to win, it is a pleasant thing you have aged correctly. I much joyful feelings express at you, love's desires incapability at leaving me behind, I strongly feel it in me that soon I must acquire you!
To make defrost mine heart in your lap, to acquire your affections through the mouth transfers. Merely the idea of the awakening beside you invents ideas that would cause outdoor camping shelter to become structured!
I dream of the day when at me is you & hold together we can do for time eternal, until we leave! At us is strongest embrace that is indestructible, and unified we are singular! My person will be glued to you for all the eternal, departure I don't. I much anticipate to view your letters once more, I shall try to locate the time to send letter another on the next day. Much love & caresses-
Dan
Dan My heart happily it is in a cradle of the most gentle hands, and it loves. Loves pure, light, not exacting love. It is not necessary for it of anything except for an opportunity to be near to favorite. And it, it is necessary for me … to be near to you Dan, to feel heat of your body, tenderness of your hands to feel your stupefying smell, to thaw in your embraces, to feel taste of your kisses.
I represent as we fall asleep and we wake up beside, I caress you Dan and I understand that to you pleasantly that I do. I dream as I relax in Your hands and with gratitude to accept that happiness which you Dan give me. « A life one. Also it would be desirable to live it so that it was not painfully sick for aimlessly lived years ».
Now I cannot present, how I could so long to live without you Dan?! And how to live in general without you? I have very strongly got used to you, to your letters which radiate pleasure and tenderness. Still never, before acquaintance to you, I could not feel heat and pleasure in a shower only that a beside and at that time very far is my angel, which can simply please my heart.
I would like to be pleased together with you Dan when at you all is good, to long, when something not It turns out to feel the necessary person in your life. You - most good, light, kind, that happens with me lately. No. Not so. Not lately, and in general in mine Lives. « The life is that happens with us while we plan on the future ». The love is omnipotent and boundless, its force does not depend on a season, an epoch, Technical progress …
Hearts meet - and the feeling, beautiful flashes, Deep and comprehensive so was and will be always … Favorite Dan if the Sun suddenly will cease to shine - you will warm me better it. If suddenly stars will hide for the Moon - you will manage to present me such romanticism, Which also did not dream them. If the Seas will spread and - we shall come up Oceans, because we TOGETHER.
If on the Earth does not remain drops of water - we shall get drunk Love Each other. Believe to me, Favorite, only with you Stars and Oceans smile to us the Sun.
And while we together, No elements will separate us. Because we with you - the strongest elements from all elements. I Love You! And for this reason I Love all around -
I see the Life, I feel it Warmly and Happiness. My sun, my gentle, I Love You! « I love you not for the one who you,
and for the one who I, when I with you ». What can I make, that it has not ended? I love you my darling Dan
Yours for a century Svetlana.
P.S. On it a photo, I am in a gulf of the local river Volga. There it is very interesting and beautiful.
So I have noticed that she is becoming a bit more poetic, which of course creates a bit of laughter when she uses the wrong word in something that sounds so beautiful; like a milk truck serving onion blossoms when the cows are milking the clock, as the wave of the future started yesterday. O.K., maybe not that nonsensical, but pretty close!
Hello repeated to Svetlana!
It is much pleasant to me to be recipient of letter you, I don't have a life either. Mine heart is in the possession of you, no purchase necessary!
However, contestants must be 18 to win, it is a pleasant thing you have aged correctly. I much joyful feelings express at you, love's desires incapability at leaving me behind, I strongly feel it in me that soon I must acquire you!
To make defrost mine heart in your lap, to acquire your affections through the mouth transfers. Merely the idea of the awakening beside you invents ideas that would cause outdoor camping shelter to become structured!
I dream of the day when at me is you & hold together we can do for time eternal, until we leave! At us is strongest embrace that is indestructible, and unified we are singular! My person will be glued to you for all the eternal, departure I don't. I much anticipate to view your letters once more, I shall try to locate the time to send letter another on the next day. Much love & caresses-
Dan
ESL Dating Reply #63: "I shall burn down up to completely"
Hello my gentle and tender Dan! My love Dan I is very glad to receive today from you the letter. Your letters are always full of love and passions. I thank the God that it has presented us each other. My prince Dan and you is happy? You are glad that we have got acquainted with you? Know I never before not met such the man as you! You the finest the man on the ground. And I consider myself as the happiest girl on the ground because I have you Dan!
Dan forgive me for that that I did not write to you so long. I all time while was absent sat near to my grandmother. She very badly felt herself. But now to her it became good and now I can write to you. I very strongly missed under your letters and I hope that you too missed. Forgive me please once again. I every day recollect those days when we with you have each other found.
Dan I love you, you light of my dream. And you remember day of our acquaintance? Dan your image I see each instant, every day! I shall not throw you, you to me believe. At me the big desire to be beside together with you. I passion am overflowing, feelings accrue, ideas about you each other replace! For the sake of you I shall disappear, I shall burn down up to completely. If only, only you, you waited for me.
Friends speak me is impossible so further to live, I did not represent that it is possible so strongly to love. For me you king, a uniform string, I cannot go through separation from you. Minutes of misfortune I shall be near to you, I shall warm love, I shall embrace the hand. I shall press to the heart ready from love to blow up. You to me are more dear than all I is ready to admit.
Your deep breath, separation the friend without the friend excites me is not present anything is more sad. It is unimportant to wait, suffer, go through how many. Anything to me will not prevent you to love! The muse helps to write lines about love, I wait for you a kitten to me you are necessary only! Each second without you as a knife on heart, at night on you I grieve. Why we not together?
Dan you my God, you my destiny! In night silence I write about you verses, to see somewhat quicker you my dreams. Dan you as the drink of freedom is necessary to me believe. Twists my reason ruthless melancholy, a pain, feelings accrue, be with me always! I Miss and wait, to wait I hate, but I you love let everyone it hears. Except for you more nobody is necessary to me!
You all in my life. And I am ready on all for the sake of you mine Dan! My love Dan today I wish to present you my photo. Let it bears to you caress and love. In this photo I houses at a window, I miss, to me it is a little bit lonely.
I hope that I am fast too I can receive from you your photos. I with impatience shall wait for them...
For ever yours and only yours Svetlana.
I really need to start writing broken English poetry.
Hello my dear sweet Svetlana!
At you is thanks for reply again from letter mine, much love I to receive your letters, they make always much radiant the day mine! I too praise Allah that at you to me reception make! I am very much pleased that at you me to make the meeting through phone connection computer acquired access to make mine acquaintance.
I am glad your grandmother felt herself good, I hope she enjoys it! To be pleasant of the health makes the mind more enjoy it the life. I today still recall on the occasion which we made the acquaintance with you, it was fond! Your images are still held in difficult control of computer, I very much enjoy at me to view them.
I would never throw you, we too sewn togetherness in emotions! I heartfelt desires explosion create, nothing to think of at me for other thoughts except for you! To me you would make value for maneuver to acquire the meeting in which we to acquire each other. Please not make impossibility to further do life, we are required to do this more so I can acquire more the funds to make flight for the seeing of you!
I much would love you to embrace the hand and press to the heart, but I fear I would blow up, for heart yours would near certainty make explosion of me! Please not make much the grief while awaiting the heart mine, I will someday at you be to make us become us! I would wait tables if necessary to make me fly to you. I am the hope that much work in the time of the warmth to make at me more finances appear, so destination you is acquired!
I wait cannot to hear from you in electronic letter again, please email back soon! I will try to remember to make purchase of new camera during shop in days of next. Much love to be received from me-
Dan
Dan forgive me for that that I did not write to you so long. I all time while was absent sat near to my grandmother. She very badly felt herself. But now to her it became good and now I can write to you. I very strongly missed under your letters and I hope that you too missed. Forgive me please once again. I every day recollect those days when we with you have each other found.
Dan I love you, you light of my dream. And you remember day of our acquaintance? Dan your image I see each instant, every day! I shall not throw you, you to me believe. At me the big desire to be beside together with you. I passion am overflowing, feelings accrue, ideas about you each other replace! For the sake of you I shall disappear, I shall burn down up to completely. If only, only you, you waited for me.
Friends speak me is impossible so further to live, I did not represent that it is possible so strongly to love. For me you king, a uniform string, I cannot go through separation from you. Minutes of misfortune I shall be near to you, I shall warm love, I shall embrace the hand. I shall press to the heart ready from love to blow up. You to me are more dear than all I is ready to admit.
Your deep breath, separation the friend without the friend excites me is not present anything is more sad. It is unimportant to wait, suffer, go through how many. Anything to me will not prevent you to love! The muse helps to write lines about love, I wait for you a kitten to me you are necessary only! Each second without you as a knife on heart, at night on you I grieve. Why we not together?
Dan you my God, you my destiny! In night silence I write about you verses, to see somewhat quicker you my dreams. Dan you as the drink of freedom is necessary to me believe. Twists my reason ruthless melancholy, a pain, feelings accrue, be with me always! I Miss and wait, to wait I hate, but I you love let everyone it hears. Except for you more nobody is necessary to me!
You all in my life. And I am ready on all for the sake of you mine Dan! My love Dan today I wish to present you my photo. Let it bears to you caress and love. In this photo I houses at a window, I miss, to me it is a little bit lonely.
I hope that I am fast too I can receive from you your photos. I with impatience shall wait for them...
For ever yours and only yours Svetlana.
I really need to start writing broken English poetry.
Hello my dear sweet Svetlana!
At you is thanks for reply again from letter mine, much love I to receive your letters, they make always much radiant the day mine! I too praise Allah that at you to me reception make! I am very much pleased that at you me to make the meeting through phone connection computer acquired access to make mine acquaintance.
I am glad your grandmother felt herself good, I hope she enjoys it! To be pleasant of the health makes the mind more enjoy it the life. I today still recall on the occasion which we made the acquaintance with you, it was fond! Your images are still held in difficult control of computer, I very much enjoy at me to view them.
I would never throw you, we too sewn togetherness in emotions! I heartfelt desires explosion create, nothing to think of at me for other thoughts except for you! To me you would make value for maneuver to acquire the meeting in which we to acquire each other. Please not make impossibility to further do life, we are required to do this more so I can acquire more the funds to make flight for the seeing of you!
I much would love you to embrace the hand and press to the heart, but I fear I would blow up, for heart yours would near certainty make explosion of me! Please not make much the grief while awaiting the heart mine, I will someday at you be to make us become us! I would wait tables if necessary to make me fly to you. I am the hope that much work in the time of the warmth to make at me more finances appear, so destination you is acquired!
I wait cannot to hear from you in electronic letter again, please email back soon! I will try to remember to make purchase of new camera during shop in days of next. Much love to be received from me-
Dan
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