Saturday, December 18, 2010

Up a Certain Creek, parts 1-9

I was just going to post the first one in this series, but i knew it would cause alot of laughs, so I just entered all 9 entries here. I'm not doing that with all of them, otherwise the book won't sell if everyone has read the whole thing online.....

We have another winner! I just keep crossing lines acting like they don't exist or that I don't see them!

Dan I do not know how to explain it, but I am glad to receive your letter. I am glad, that you have answered me. When I was on work and at home I all time thought, you will write to me or not. And you have written. I am happy, to receive your letter. Dan I to look yours profile, and it has liked me, and I have solved with you will get acquainted. And me have told, that we approach one another. But I think, that we should learn it.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. To me 29 years and name me Ekaterina. I live in small village Medvedevo I was not married, and to not have children. I live with mum. The father has died on war. I do not wish to recollect about it. I work the masseur in local hospital. I have finished college and I am able to make all kinds massage. And everyone speak, that at me well it turns out. I do not know what to tell to you about myself.
What you interests? I love cinema, dances. To not smoke, to not drink alcohol. All that to me needs for life to be had I, but I do not have beloved and consequently I have decided to get acquainted with you. Dan you can tell to me, what you search in women? Tell to me. I very much would wish to learn it. What character, what appearance? What should she be able to make? Dan I shall be, is glad to receive your letter tomorrow, and I hope, that you will write to me. I shall answer sincerely all your questions, and I hope, that you as will answer mine. I already wait for your letter.... Ekaterina

That is so awesome that my profile liked her!

A thank at you again for my answer! While unemployed sitting in it the van, I wondered, "will she reply?" And you have replied! I am happiness my profile liked you, and wishes to get acquainted with you. I will learn it your person!
So, enough about you, more learn it me. To me of 34 years, and name it Dan. I live it in a small village Denver of 5 million persons. I was not in front of the wife, and me to not have children. I was accidental when the youth and had my balls cut off. I live in a van down by the river. I use laptop found during dumpster diving, and use signal of superstore for an internet.
I stand on street corner and hold sign saying “please help” so persons donate it to me the money. This gives me fund for have consume it the alcohol on a regular basis. I do not do this while it is at work, however, I must control myself on a professional basis.
So I read it you give massage at hospital, do you give massage with happy ending? I see you say you give all kind massage! At me well it would turn out on receipt of a massage you! On a drink, I do it nightly so not make feeling the cold of the van. I have nothing in the life but now I have you! I will drive it the automobile to Russia if necessary! I will receive a DUI if necessary, and drive it to a barge which will transport me to Russia. At most urgent to me is find a barge which will take it to Russia. I shall start my driving immediately after finishing my forty.

Up a Certain Creek, Part II

Okay, so quick catch up since there's 6 ongoing-I told this one i'm drunk driving cross country, and that i'm already in Kentucky! The pressure in my head is building up though, and i'm out of one of my pills for now, so I might not be able to finish all of these tonight.

Hello Dan, I hope that your day is fine also you now feel well. I am very glad to receive your letter. At me so it is a lot of questions to you, but I am afraid, that you likely will be frightened, if I shall ask all. Yes? Or not? Tell to me Dan. You are very interesting to me also I wish to learn you better. I wish to know about you everything before we shall meet. When I learn about you all and I shall be assured of you I would shall make all that we have met. I do not hide, that gets acquainted for serious relations, and I do not wish to play in any games. Therefore I ask you to answer sincerely my questions, and I hope, that you will answer, as well as I am sincere.
Dan I shall tell more about myself. I do not know, whether you can define a figure on a photo. My growth 5 ' 9? Weight nearby 60 kg. A breast, a waist, a hip accordingly 89-63-90. I would like to know very much about you, about in what you like to be engaged of what you dream? That does not suffice you in your life? I love, cleanliness and the order, I love cooking, and it is pleasant to me, when people are happy. I hope that I shall receive many your photos also. Dan you are fast to me them will send? I shall wait for them with impatience. I wait.... Very
much..... Ekaterina.

I am fast to her them will send! Receipt them to her immediately upon my sending!

Call it me lucky that this supercenter has wireless connection of a parking lot! I have traveled much since it is written last. I am drunk in a supercenter parking lot, I cannot make it move a van. I have made it a miracle to drive Kentucky, I call it a miracle because I am not a memory of driving! But, I am here, so I continue quest to get to coast, find barge, and drive it to Russia!
I will not be frightened, I am drunk, ask all and I will answer with an honesty. If you wish to learn me better, you can learn me all you want! I do not play in games, only drinking contests, which don’t count because I win the every time! One problem it is I never remember the next day. I also like reindeer games, but Rudolph is not letting me play, even at Christmas time. I like weight nearby, especially a breast, a waist, and a hip. You are absolutely perfect! I might have ruined your pictures though….no, never mind, I just had to clean the monitor.
I like to engage with many women at once, and they do not suffer in my dreams. I also happy to see you like cooking, you will make me happy! I don’t have a camera in the van, but I could buy a disposable one at the super center when I am sober? Can I just mail it to you? I gotta go pass out now, all this spell checking while drinking is making my tired. I will come to you on it a barge!
Love, Dan

Up A Certain Creek, Part III

This is gonna be quick, but fun! This one's turning into the Svetlana type-email me everyday & get paranoid if I don't reply back as much as she does. So, this one will be short, but i'll try to keep it fun :)

At me on eyes of tear. I wished to receive your letter, but it is not present. And I wished to inform you fine news. I saw yesterday a fine dream in which we were together. I wished to tell to you. But you could not write. And me it is sad, I understand, that you have not had time to write to me and that will leave to write soon, but I any more will not be in the Internet of cafe. I wait for your letter. And what to you dreamed? Tell to me?

I to her apologies should have made send, since caused by me on her eyes of tear.

I could’ve sworn I replied back already today, I’m so sorry! Maybe I thought more than I drink I did? I should probably pass out, but I’ve got one more email.
I’m sorry you’re not in the internet of a café anymore! On you should not be eyes of tear, I’ll try to make more written when sober. So, maybe I should’ve done of those New Year’s revolutions? I’m in Kentucky, I’ll be there soon.
O.K., pass out time...

Up A Certain Creek, Part IV

...And here's her letter from today, i'm sure i'll see another tomorrow.

Hello my friend.....
Today I am afflicted by that I have not seen your reciprocal
letter.... I hoped that we can communicate with you, but you at all
have not written to me..... I will wait all the same from you for the
Yours Ekaterina

Obviously by now you can tell this was one of the persistent scammers that e-mailed every day. I’m guessing this is probably an amateur that didn’t have that many to e-mail, so they had all the time in the world to write.

Hello again Ekaterina,
I am sorry you have not seen my refractor, I swear this feels like the third time i've written today! I will put the bottle down & sleep so I can figure all out well on a morning.

Up A Certain Creek, Part V

If I had even the slightest suspicion that this woman was real, i'd feel sorry for her. She's got a guy that lives in his van drunk driving across America to get to a barge & come to her country & mooch off her! Sounds like the man of her dreams apparently!

Dan, I today worked also my hands very much weariness much. I weigh day made massage. And how you? Dan as your mood? I hope that well. I wish to learn more about you and today I wish to learn about your family, about your relatives. At you it is a lot of relatives? I live with mum in one apartment. At us only different rooms. At me to have the grandmother and the grandfather. They live in 50 kilometers from us in small village. Dan my grandmother a name Nina, grandfathers a name Marina. I earlier often was at the grandmother. I much to that have learned at it. To prepare for various dishes, to watch itself. My grandmother was my tutor, and it brought up me. Mum worked also I much tried to study, that all would be good in our family.
Dan I do not know why, but I cannot meet good the man in the country. I do not know why, but all the man, which normal are already married. I do not wish to marry the man which I do not love. Which is not pleasant to me. Dan I do not love quarrel, conflicts, loud music. I wish to be with the man which will be me, to understand, which I shall understand. With which to us it will be good also we shall enjoy our happiness. It is not necessary for me, kisses, embraces, tenderness and passion of the beloved, here much that is necessary for me for happiness. And you Dan???? Sincerely, Expecting your following letter Ekaterina.

I can’t even imagine anyone living in fifty kilometers, her grandparents must be rich!

I don’t know what the hell happened, I was driving northeast and somehow went from Kentucky to Missississippi! I got one of those under the limit, over the influence tickets. I can’t believe that cop gave it to me, I can’t wait to see them in concert! All I had to do to get the ticket was drive drunk! I should do that more often, I need to see more concerts! I don’t get why they’re having the concert at such an odd time though, it’s like 9 a.m. on a Tuesday, and at a courthouse! I guess some of those judges really like to rock!
As for all that stuff you said, I like squirrels, I get along well with convicts, and I love loud music! Well, I guess after this concert thing I’ll get back to driving to the coast & arrive on a Russia if I find a barge!

Up A Certain Creek, Part VI

This is the one that emails me obsessively, so there's three emails for every one the others send :) I guess she really wants a guy that lives in a van and drinks all the time. Guys like that must be hard to find where she lives?

My lovely and gentle Dan. Today at us very good weather. And I in
fine mood have gone to the cafe Internet to receive from you my
darling the letter. But my mood has fallen when I have not found yours the letter. I would be very happy if have read your letter. But I was not strongly afflicted.
Understanding that you had a week-end and you possibly well spent time in a circle of a family or with friends. But I hope that tomorrow you can give not a lot of time and for me. And to please me with your warm and gentle letter. Which will bring to me a smile. I with impatience will wait from you my darling of the letter.
Your love for a century Ekaterina.

At least this time on her was not eyes of tear.

The wireless connection at this parking lot is actually stable today! It has been a difficulty lately, wireless on old laptop in snowstorm! Wishing that when you go to café internet your mood will not be fallen, like me after 21 beers.
Weekend makes it not a difference, I drink every day! I spent time in a cell because of walking in circle instead of a straight line, but they gave ticket for concert-DUI! I will reward your patience with two smiles J J Is your happiness now? Your love for three centuries, plus twenty-six days,

Up A Certain Creek, Part VII

I might have gone too far with the country music joke :) Oh well, it's not like i've never taken a joke too far.

At you today it was not visible time to write the message for me, Icertainly am not angry with you, but I would like as it is possible to see is more often from you the answer. Understand a life to us it is given for this purpose what to study and learn the world in which we live. Really you cannot find time what to write to me to write the most important thing, what you think of my previous letter? I write to you every day even in day off, understand my gravity to relations with you. If to me not when could not write to you tomorrow or what or numbers I notify you on it. There is no time write to me of what number you write to me, but only for earlier, I do not love when me leave one in loneliness. I would like to love and be lovely, I do not wish to remain one. Imagine, what about you have forgotten to you it would be pleasant or not? Therefore write, and if cannot, I ask you let to me about it know at least in the short message...
Yours Ekaterina

At least she’s starting to figure out that time can be invisible sometimes.

Time has turned invisible, I can write again! As long as I have connection, I will send the answer! I’m not drunk yet, so my gravity is still related to me. To me is not known when tomorrow or numbers or gravity is not notified.
I too would like to love and be lonely, even if they cloned me! I guess I would like to be two, or three even? Imagine there’s no country music. No rednecks singing about their dog stealing the truck and running off with their wife.
Yours in a constant state of inebriation,

Up A Certain Creek, Part VIII

These short ones aren't as fun, but I leave no email unanswered!

Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel heat of your words to me.....
Why you cannot write to me? I understand that you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines about that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.

I can only imagine how funny this series would’ve gotten if I hadn’t been writing so many of them at once. I don’t think I’ll ever write to six of them at the same time again.

Hello again Ekaterina!!!
I am apologies for you affliction, for not the receipt. I am to drink now & can write more. Creativity mine abundance when drink, and on it I write! Do not worry about work, I do not work, so it is not occupy me! I will continue drive to Russia after concert, but I have to wait here until then.
I am not impatient, do you have to hear from me with impatience?
Love to drink,

Up a Certain Creek, Part IX: The Return of Ekaterina's Drunk Bum

I know i've got others to reply to, but i've gotta try to reel this one back in since the series was so funny! She stopped replying after my last reply saying I had tickets for a concert to see DUI thanks to a nice police officer. So now we can get her thinking she's got a crazy drunken bum chasing her from halfway across America again. That's right folks, nothing spells victory against scammers better than a drunk bum that has nothing to offer them. can I send her my pocket lint through some sort of wire transfer? Or would that be lint transfer?

Hello my dear.
I waited for your letter and as a result of have received nothing.... I have been very afflicted Not having received from you the letter!!!!! I very much wish to receive your letters and to feel Heat of your words to me..... Why you cannot write to me? I understand That you can be occupied by work, but you can write me at least a couple of lines About that that with you everything is all right? I will look forward to hearing from you with impatience!!!!!
Yours Ekaterina.

She must not have felt the heat of my words soon enough, since this was the last of her e-mails.

Ekaterina!!! Feel the heat of my words again baby!! I am back, but I don't know where I am! The concert at 9am at the courthouse turned out to be a court summons because they charged me with drunk driving! I don't see what's so wrong with driving drunk halfway across the country and doing a bag of shrooms while chasing the love of my life. Well O.K., maybe it was a little scary when those damn lampposts started coming down and attacking me during the snowstorm. Other than that, I was fine! So my case got thrown out on a technicality and now I will make return to driving across country to you as soon as I figure out where I am. I drank alot and have no clue where I am or which way to go. BUT I LOVE YOU AND WILL BE WITH YOU FOREVER!!!!
your drunk Dan.

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